Author Archives: Shannon


About Shannon

Alaskan homeschooling mama of eight sweet kids. Loves Jesus, writing, coffee, Dickens, and snapping a kitchen towel at my husband when he's not looking.

joy to behold: kingdom culture for a world on fire

Posted on by April 19, 2024

There I was, texting back the speech pathologist about how to help Reagan, who speaks at about a 3-year-old level. Except I was also cooking my breakfast, and also, I had no idea how to answer the pathologist’s question, which was, “Which sounds are you looking for?”

joy to behold: kingdom culture for a world on fire

Which sounds? I thought. All of them. Where do I start? I texted out a short summary of Reagan’s ability and diagnoses, rattled through how Ls and Rs are very hard to distinguish, hard I often sounds like ah or uh unless we correct her, she does not say the y or x sounds in “excuse me” (it sounds like “eskoose me,” but if you read Risk the Ocean you know this is huge improvement over asking to be caboosed), and she does not move her mouth or tongue to make sounds properly, and –

“Why is smoke coming from the pan?” Finn asked, bringing me back to the task at hand right as the smoke alarm went off.

Oh yeah, breakfast. Whoops.

Because I cannot cook hash browns and navigate the intricate juncture of speech pathology and special needs parenting at the same time. One of them needs my urgent attention, and the other, no matter how important, needs to wait.

There are so many competing needs. It feels like everything needs to be done at once, and everything needs our attention all at the same time. But it’s just not true.

I set the phone down and let the situation simmer while I rinsed the burnt oil off the cast iron pan before starting again. We can give ourselves do-overs, just like we give our kids – we can leave the half-written text as a draft, we can mute the notifications, we can hold a boundary to those asking for information that’s none of their business. We can delete the platforms, channels, and social media outlets that feed our cortisol levels instead of feeding us.

And it’s important to remember that, because our inboxes and mailboxes and phones and screens are full of all kinds of things demanding our attention and outrage.

But just because they demand it, doesn’t mean they get it. Especially not on their terms.

We can turn the flame down when the world is on fire, and pour living water on it, instead.

For as many of you as were baptized into Christ have put on Christ.

– Galatians 3:27

For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.

– 2 Timothy 1:7

The world is on fire but here we are, a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for His own possession, going about Kingdom business in the midst of the crossfire.

As we abide, we let the One who lives in us pour out onto the world around us, and in doing so we refuse to take the enemy’s bait, choosing instead to play it cool while a firm boundary of equanimity settles around us: This house, this family, this day is our dominion, and whatever tries to barrel its way through will feel all the more heat outside as their feet are held to the fire in contrast with the cool joy of the living water that reigns here in this place.

We overcome not by passivity or blissful ignorance, but by strategically starving the beast that feeds on fear and chaos and distraction. We create order and beauty by walking in joy, trusting God, doing both the modest and immense tasks in front of us.

So, bake bread. Hug your kids. Kiss your spouse. Drink the water. Read the books. Think before blurting out. Appreciate the friend, reach out to the quiet one. Pray for the neighbor. Make something beautiful (like hash browns).

So many tiny, tiny, little things feel so insignificant in light of current events. The enemy goes around, the unholy attention seeker, tossing lit matches in varying degrees of proximity to us, hoping we will lose focus and run frantic, sloshing water out of ourselves in attempt to put out one fire while two others start raging.

But when we face the Living Water, soak, and refill, we can point in prayer and direct a fire hose without leaving His presence.

Last year in one of our intercessors meetings, one of our pastors gave us a double-sided page of notes and said, “Our battle is to abide in peace.” My Gen X summary of his notes is, Keep your cool. Persist stubbornly in joy. Biblical hope is not like the world’s version of wishful thinking; it is the expectation of God’s answers and movement. The joy of the Lord is our strength.

Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it.

— 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24

And then not long after that in another meeting, he read this passage:

Because you did not serve the Lord your God with joyfulness and gladness of heart, because of the abundance of all things, therefore you shall serve your enemies whom the Lord will send against you, in hunger and thirst, in nakedness, and lacking everything. And he will put a yoke of iron on your neck until he has destroyed you.

— Deuteronomy 28:47-48

And we noticed the first part: Because you did not serve the Lord with joyfulness and gladness…Have you thought about how joy is both worship and warfare?

So we choose joy. We choose gratitude. We choose to play it cool, not giving the enemy more attention than he deserves, and we put our eyes on what God is doing. And as we do that, He shows us more and more of what He is up to. Our focus on Him protects us from what is not of Him, and the enemy is disarmed by our worship.

If I had known this lesson years ago, our hardest season might not have been so dark. Maybe though, really, that was the beginning of me learning this lesson of how to play it cool and survive with a smile when everything looks to be falling apart. But I’m learning it even more now, and when we know better, we do better.

We are fighting (and winning!) the battle of the day every time we pursue the particular “whatever is good, whatever is lovely” God has called us to in this moment.

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness [gentleness] be known to everyone.

The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

— Philippians 4:4-8

When the enemy attacks and tries to get you to look at the wrong thing, he’s saying, “Look at this, look at this, look at this!” trying to get your gaze off what the Lord has said, trying to get you to put the weight of your gaze on the other thing, on the wrong thing, and lift it off of God’s promise. The enemy wants to magnify the wrong thing and diminish hope, to shrink your trust in the Lord’s provision and ability, to inflate the discouragement and deception and lies, and to make the problem — which may be very real — seem more than it is, so as to steal the even greater reality and truth and hope of the provision and bright future the Lord has for you.

The Lord sees and knows. He knew it when you felt that gut punch, when you heard the bad news, the snide remark, the lie from the enemy that said you won’t make it. He speaks a better word and His blood is covering you, and He will have the final say. You won’t have to wait too long for it. He is preparing a place for you in the presence of your enemies, and they will watch as He vindicates and delivers you.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

— Psalm 23:4-6

So when the enemy comes at you with, “Look at this, look at this!” and jabs his ugly finger at the sore spot that has been hurting and draws your attention to it by bad news or someone’s careless remark or their disbelief that you could be doing something that they just can’t fathom, we must not fall for it. It’s a ploy from the enemy.

He wants to distract you with the lie so you don’t believe in the truth. He wants to distract you with the accusation so you forget your real identity. He wants to damage your vision.

He knows the time is short. He knows how close your promise is, so he’s desperate to make you disbelieve it.

But the promise is near, and God is present, as close as your breath. Do not take your eyes off Him, because He is your salvation, your very near and present help.

We are cultivating Kingdom culture with every tiny move of faithfulness.

Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.

– Colossians 3:12-15

So this is me preaching to myself, and any of you who need it, too:

Yes, the world is crazy intense right now. But you still need to have fun. Do not let the enemy steal your joy. Do not let him strip away the things you love, or make you send a message to those you love that life is just too scary right now. Because God’s cool; He’s got this. He’s speaking to His people, including you, and telling you what to do and when to do it.

He won’t always tell you to do something huge and profound. He will also lead you in small, steady, beautiful things, and you will aggravate the enemy with your joy. You will disarm him with your bold, unshrinking confidence in the Lord.

We are creating the culture, and we declare it will be one of joy and peace. Our hearts are unshaken. Great days are ahead.

Then he said to them, “Go your way. Eat the fat and drink sweet wine and send portions to anyone who has nothing ready, for this day is holy to our Lord. And do not be grieved, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.”

— Nehemiah 8:10

Lord, guide our words and our walking today, our driving and our doing, our thinking and our talking. Help us to be mature, encouraging, life giving, and truth sharing.

We don’t have to be the loudest to be heard. Protect us from talking too much or any other form of striving. We trust You to lead us and use us, so we will move out of Your way and let You do the directing.

We declare peace, joy, and truth are winning the day today in our hearts and in our communities.

Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him.

In love he predestined us for adoption to himself as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved.

— Ephesians 1:2-6

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Are You Feeling Excellent Today?

living stones: we are building, not throwing

Posted on by March 21, 2024

I grabbed the phone and called one of the state offices we’ve been working with. Someone (several someones, actually) have repeatedly mentioned a miraculously helpful entity called a “care coordinator” to help us navigate part of the guardianship world we’re dealing with now on behalf of two of our kids.

But I didn’t even remember which office they went through, or what number to call. There have been so many phone calls.

living stones: we are building, not throwing

So I tried one, and a lady picked up.

“Hi,” I began, “I spoke with someone from your office a few weeks ago about applying for my disabled son’s benefits? He has a medical situation and we’re getting the runaround about Medicaid, and I’m wondering if I could get connected to a care coordinator through your office to help me navigate this, but I’m honestly not even sure if I’m calling the right place. Can you help me?”

Blarghhhhh. I just dumped all the details on her, no mercy.

“Umm…” the lady stammered. “Uh…maybe…I’ve actually only been here for four months. Umm…” She stalled again, and finally settled into awkward silence.

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“No, it’s not you, it’s me. I’m just…just trying to–”

“No,” I assured her, “I’m pretty sure it’s definitely me, too.” The confusion is probably contagious.

And it turns out I was wrong; care coordinators are apparently fabulous at helping with one particular area, but not the actual area we need help with right now.

If I understood the process better, I could navigate it with more clarity. As it is, I pretty much only understand enough of it to complain. And there’s been plenty to complain about. I do not work in this system, I am just trying to work my way through it, and so far I have just enough experience to throw stones at it. Mea culpa. I should’ve paid more attention, should’ve taken notes or something, and should be speaking (and writing) blessings instead of curses.

(But this is the government, yo…) I know, it’s pretty hard to bless sometimes.

But I’ve noticed this among the Church, too. We don’t understand things, so we complain. We don’t pay attention, so we misunderstand. We misunderstand, so we accuse. The stones fly furiously, contagiously, and the only thing built up is confusion as the living stones divide, refusing to acknowledge the others in the same building.

As you come to him, a living stone rejected by men but in the sight of God chosen and precious, you yourselves like living stones are being built up as a spiritual house, to be a holy priesthood, to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ.

– 1 Peter 2:4-5

The internet has always had a mean streak, and Pharisees have always been associated with stone-throwing. I’m not saying those two things have anything to do with each other; it might be a completely random coincidence that I put them in the same sentence. Draw your own conclusions.

But over the last two weeks I’ve heard “You need to be more careful” from a total stranger who didn’t like a video I shared, “You should do your homework” from a stranger who hadn’t actually listened to the sermon I shared, and “The word is ‘prating’ not babbling” from a stranger who didn’t like the translation of scripture I shared, miffed that I didn’t revert to King James, because that of course is what Jesus Himself used.

In years of writing online, I’ve noticed that normal people generally respond to posts in one of these ways:

  • constructive comment
  • hit the like button
  • simply keep scrolling

But weirdos on social media with a religious spirit tend to respond in these ways:

  • Why did you underline THOSE words?
  • What do you have against the other verses?
  • I don’t like the title of your post and have appointed myself as the religious police to protect any ignorant passersby from misinterpreting scripture and living a life of sin because of it
  • I didn’t bother reading/watching/listening to the link in your post, but here’s my redundant/irrelevant/argumentative comment, anyway
  • Why are you using a STICKY note as a BOOKMARK?! You are covering the WORD of GOD, heathen!

Smile…sigh.

Why is it that some Christians think their belief entitles them to act so unChristlike to others, especially Christians? Did they miss the part in the Bible about building up one another in love, and taking the log out of your own eye, and the world will know we are Christians by our love for each other, not by the vitriol we unleash on the internet?

I don’t think I’m the only one noticing this spike in the spirit of stupid, because I recently read this post and this thread, and this is a terrific video, also.

I can only imagine how confusing this must be for new Christians trying to navigate the Church. I’m sorry, I’ve actually only been here for four months…umm…

But another thing I’ve noticed is that if I listen – or, not even listen (as in, “actively attend to”) but just hear too much faith-quenching, belittling, nit-picking, stone-throwing, I start to feel stifled. And this surely indicates the enemy at work.

So here, to myself and anyone else needing the antidote to the enemy’s venom:

You can hear God’s voice in your life, in your days, and in your situation.

(You can also share what you’ve learned freely, and block the religious meanies on the internet.)

We have to remind ourselves of what is true.

We need to remember that not every thought in our head is our own. Sometimes it’s an accusation the enemy planted through someone else.

We need to keep in mind that people don’t judge us the way we think they might be judging us. And those who are judging us should probably be minding the logs in their own eyes.

And we need to remember that what anyone thinks about us isn’t as important as what God thinks of us.

When we hear the accuser pounding thoughts through our heads, what do we do?

Run back to the truth. Do it fast. Get it in your head and keep it there — pin it on your bathroom mirror and your kitchen cabinets and the dashboard of your car — and make it louder than the harping, and clearer than the smoke and mirrors.

Of this gospel I was made a minister according to the gift of God’s grace, which was given me by the working of his power.

To me, though I am the very least of all the saints, this grace was given, to preach to the Gentiles the unsearchable riches of Christ, and to bring to light for everyone what is the plan of the mystery hidden for ages in God, who created all things, so that through the church the manifold wisdom of God might now be made known to the rulers and authorities in the heavenly places. This was according to the eternal purpose that he has realized in Christ Jesus our Lord, in whom we have boldness and access with confidence through our faith in him.

— Ephesians 3:7-12

There’s a movement out there that wants to pooh-pooh the Spirit’s voice in your life. It’s not from unbelievers, but from believers, and they probably (hopefully) don’t even intend to do it. They have no idea that their fear or legalism or concentrated zeal in their pet subject is quenching the Spirit and leaking onto others. And they don’t mean wrong (oh no, being right is their goal); they seem to think that they’re doing the Church a favor by throwing stones at entire segments of believers who practice things they’re not familiar or comfortable with.

For example, I’ve seen this in criticism about worship being “too emotional” or revival being “about feelings,” as if emotions or feelings immediately invalidated things…which they don’t…because God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit all have emotions.

For you shall worship no other god, for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God.

— Exodus 34:14

And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.

— Ephesians 4:30

Jesus felt compassion, felt angry, felt sad, and even felt surprised and impressed by someone’s faith.

Other critics (or, many of the same) declare that prophetic words or personally hearing God’s voice outside of what is expressly written in the pages of Scripture, are suspect. They feel that these challenge the Bible, when in fact, if they read the Bible more thoroughly, they would see that personal words and hearing God’s voice are all throughout it:

My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me.

— John 10:27

But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you.

— John 14:26

And when they bring you to trial and deliver you over, do not be anxious beforehand what you are to say, but say whatever is given you in that hour, for it is not you who speak, but the Holy Spirit.

— Mark 13:11

But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth.

— Acts 1:8

…and on and on and on.

Another common stone thrown is that some expressions of worship or devotion are “disorderly.” This comes back to the scripture that all things should be done in order (which, if you read it, has another topic often taken out of context and grossly abused, to the detriment of the Church) but who gets to define “order?” Does it mean calm, predictable, understandable, and within our comfort zone? We need to be careful here because this is similar to how the Pharisees and others justified their arrest and persecution of the followers of Jesus.

And when they had prayed, the place in which they were gathered together was shaken, and they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and continued to speak the word of God with boldness.

— Acts 4:31

And all were amazed and perplexed, saying to one another, “What does this mean?” But others mocking said, “They are filled with new wine.”

– Acts 2:12-13

And as they were speaking to the people, the priests and the captain of the temple and the Sadducees came upon them, greatly annoyed because they were teaching the people and proclaiming in Jesus the resurrection from the dead. And they arrested them and put them in custody until the next day, for it was already evening.

– Acts 4:1-3

We don’t see the calm, predictable, understandable, comfortable, pre-scheduled, societally-approved kind of order in Acts. So it makes sense that if that’s how someone defines “order,” they would be very uncomfortable with moves of the Holy Spirit.

And this is where we need to remember that just because something is uncomfortable doesn’t mean it is wrong. Just because we don’t understand something doesn’t mean it’s not true. Just because we aren’t familiar with something doesn’t mean it’s not genuine, because we are not God and He gets to define the terms. We don’t make the rules. We are all learning; we all have different backgrounds, and not one of us here has arrived yet.

The Kingdom is built outside our comfort zone.

Sure, anything can be abused. But when we focus more on the abuse, we tend to disregard the real thing and throw the abundance of good out with the lesser portion that is counterfeit. And scripture has a lesson for us here, too:

The servants of the master of the house came and said to him, ‘Master, did you not sow good seed in your field? How then does it have weeds?’ 

He said to them, ‘An enemy has done this.’

So the servants said to him, ‘Then do you want us to go and gather them?’ 

But he said, ‘No, lest in gathering the weeds you root up the wheat along with them. Let both grow together until the harvest, and at harvest time I will tell the reapers, “Gather the weeds first and bind them in bundles to be burned, but gather the wheat into my barn.”

– Matthew 13:27-30

This is sort of the Lord’s version of saying, “It will all shake out; let Me deal with it.” He has not anointed any of us as the Church Police to root up the wheat in our zeal. Throwing stones at other believers is not a spiritual gift.

But He has anointed us to other things: We have the Holy Spirit, and the mind of Christ, and every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, and we are seated at the right hand of Christ. We are building up, not tearing others down.

What does all that mean? What does it really look like, here and now?

I’m not completely sure. But let’s not throw stones at each other while we figure it out.

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how the colors come together: grieving & celebrating the emptying nest

Posted on by March 8, 2024

The fog left its mark in hoarfrost on the trees along the Parks Highway, and we drove home from church with all eight of us in the vehicle. It was the last time I would sit crammed between two 6-foot-something men in the front seat of the Stagecoach; one of them has moved out and is on his own now.

how the colors come together: grieving & celebrating the emptying nest

I gave him the quilt I’d been working on for months, often right in front of him while he was oblivious because almost-18-year-old boys don’t pay attention to their mother’s crafty shenanigans. Two nights before, Iree and I spent several hours finishing it and the seams had “significant wonk,” meaning they veered and shifted in ways I didn’t intend them to because I’m still new at this and don’t know what I’m doing and it is hard to wrestle these giant things through a small short-armed machine.

As soon as Afton’s room was empty, Cham moved into it. We’ve started to fill her vacated area – which was his space not long ago, before last year’s rearrangement – with a table for spring seedlings and about 200 books that he didn’t want to take with him. There’s still room for the sewing machine, and once the space is filled and echo-less, I’ll be recording audio in there, too. So we have plans, just like he does, and plans are good.

I spent one evening shelving all the books in the new space and sorting through what to keep and what to get rid of: Nineteen books by Patrick F. McManus. Also, the ones on blacksmithing and leatherworking from those phases, and the manuals on knifemaking from that phase. And the first copy of the bread book he learned artisan bakery from – the one we have two copies of, because he used the original until the spine broke and pages fell out from his blissfully long but sadly abandoned passion for breadmaking, when we all learned terms like poolish, pan de mie, and bâtard.

On the day he moved I was fine until that night, making dinner in the kitchen, and suddenly felt the gentle wrench of his absence. Some of his things were missing because he’d taken them, and others of his were still there, discarded because he didn’t want them anymore. I searched the cabinet for a jar and found his collection of cheesecloth from the cheesemaking phase.

He won’t be back for dinner tonight, I realized. Not that he’s been eating with us; he’s been raiding the kitchen late at night when he gets home from work. He’d ask, “What’d you guys have for dinner?” and, depending on whether or not he liked the answer, he’d respond with “Is there any left?” or bored dismissal, and make his own thing.

And that song was playing again – the same one Iree played all last year before she moved, the anthem of the hatch. But this time it wasn’t her, it was the station playing Einaudi like it knows the soundtrack of our home.

I thought to myself that day, Oh, this is easy, I must’ve done all my grieving last summer when he left for fish camp, because I didn’t even feel like crying, all day I was fine. But then it was dinnertime in the kitchen that was so often his wheelhouse, and I still wasn’t crying, but now I knew for sure it would come later.

The song was finishing and I sat on the couch and filled three scraps of paper with grief, tearing sheets from the pad as I went, surprised at how many words and feelings were still pouring out.

I started this quilt not knowing what I was doing, just following the process, just trying to make something beautiful out of the materials on hand. Some of the fabric was good and new, some was old and recycled – pieces of one of Vin’s shirts, some old sheets, other scraps salvaged from an abandoned project. I was just running the machine, just doing the next thing I knew to do to patch things together, snipping ends and threads that stuck out in the wrong places, making pieces line up, and when they went wonky, I’d go back and seam rip and make them square again.

I got so frustrated with all the ironing because it felt like it was such an interruption to forward momentum – stop what you’re doing, iron these panels. Stop again and iron these other pieces. It wasn’t just to smooth things over, though; I realized at the end when I flipped the whole thing over that when you iron seams open, it covers a multitude of wonkiness and uneven lines. The areas I thought might go astray and slant off to an angle looked fine.

I was afraid it would be ruined, or ugly, or a disaster, but it was fine. Beautiful, even.

He smiled when I gave it to him and seemed to know what kind of gift it was.

Here, I made this for you. I hope you like it. I hope you don’t notice or mind all the flaws; I know it’s not perfect. I worked hard on it, but could have done better. I wonder if you’ll look at it more closely later and recognize some of these pieces, and realize where they came from.

We leave our marks on each other just by proximity and relation, and sometimes they are uneven lines and empty spaces we don’t know what to do with. Sometimes when we move away we do whatever we can to rub those marks out for a while, as though they’ve taken up space without our permission and we want to see what’s underneath without their influence.

Here, this is part of me, take it – and we pluck the feathers from ourselves, and thrust them onto our young men and women as they take their own flights, hoping they won’t cast our affection to the wind.

I paused, tore another sheet from the notepad, looked at all the words. Folded the papers in half, stared at the highway traffic out the dark window, the headlights going north and south.

Unfolded the paper, flipped it over, and kept going.

We miss their presence when they leave. But also, as they’ve been longing to leave – which we remember and relate to and rejoice in with them – we realize that we’ve already been missing them because part of them has been gone for a long time. They’ve changed and emotionally moved on already in many ways. The grief has been sneaking up on us, slipping in and surprising us at random intervals for over a year now.

This is not summer camp, or youth overnight, or fish camp. This is launching. And he’ll be back, I know he will; there will be dinners and barbecues and birthdays and it will be better. We’ve done this twice before and we know there’s a stretching distance for a while before the elastic springs back and things reach a new equilibrium. And it will be good. Really, really good.

But it won’t be the same. And that’s the thing we grieve most: It will never be the same. We cannot get that time back. The binding is on, the quilt is finished, there’s no time left for seam ripping and rearranging colors and redoing those panels.

Jesus redeems and leads and saves, and Holy Spirit continues doing the work we can’t, couldn’t, or didn’t. But still, we want to do better and wish we had done better — and I think this is the sign of a good parent, rather than one who’s perfectly satisfied with every aspect of their parenting and confident they’ve made no mistakes — and I’m grateful to still have little and younger ones to keep doing better with.

But it’s not over with the older ones, because we have new time that’s different from before. This time looks like broad, new conversations, and tentative efforts to bring buried things into the open, and a willingness to let spaces stay empty that aren’t ready to be filled. It looks like hilarious confessions and new levels of respect in both directions, and inside jokes filled with a vocabulary that only our family knows. It looks like mutual appreciation and recognition and repentance, and a whole different level of starting again.

Here, this is yours. I love the way some of these colors come together, and I regret not trying harder to make even lines in some of these places. But I hope you love it. I hope it keeps you warm, I hope you remember your mother and your family and your childhood and where you came from…with warmth, and fondness, and gratitude. I hope you know you are so loved.

It might be a while before they realize they didn’t notice all the things we did right in front of them, trying to make something beautiful out of the materials we had on hand.

It was so imperfect. There was significant wonk and things veered and shifted in ways we didn’t intend them to because we were learning and didn’t always know what we were doing. It is hard to wrestle these giant, complex souls to adulthood and keep our lines even.

But it was good, and warm, and filled with pieces of ourselves as the colors came together, and that is even better.

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