spilling over

 

Sometimes I come here full. I have a myriad of thoughts and notes and pictures all rattling around, just waiting to be spilled on paper or screen and put in the right order.

But other times I arrive empty. Blank screen, white space, just…dry bones, and crickets. Not because there’s nothing to tell, but because there is and I don’t know how to say it yet.  Care to sit with me for a few minutes while I wait for the words to show up?

 

It’s been a blurry week that started with a blurry phone call early Sunday morning. There are some calls that you wish would never happen, even if you are expecting them. Grief covers the sky and prayer changes directions like the wind.

 

oh Lord, You’ve searched me
You know my way
even when I fail You
I know You love me

 

 

We hiked the Butte a few days ago, took all six kids up the (little) mountain for some therapy for all of us. These days have been sparkling, all sunny in one direction and heavy slate clouds on the other. When the sunlight comes from a certain angle it makes the trees glitter.

 

We spilled out of the Stagecoach and donned our backpacks and water bottles. We weren’t twenty feet away from where we parked when Cham handed hers to me, declaring it was too heavy.

 

Your holy presence surrounding me
in every season I know You love me

 

 

It was our first hike of the year, and Andrey and Reagan’s first (real) hike, ever. They did great…even Reagan…even when we came to the foot of the endless staircase.

 

 

She charged right up to it. This was taken before she tried to grab the cow parsnip that was growing next to the railing (that was a close one).

 

The bigger kids ran ahead, ran back, and ran circles around us and whoever was holding our hands.

 

You go before me
You shield my way
Your hand upholds me
I know You love me

 

 

Eternity looks us in the face every day. It doesn’t matter if we arrive empty or full – if we dare to look back, right in the Eyes, something will start to flow, even in dry bones. We need it.

at the cross I bow my knee
where Your blood was shed for me
there’s no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Your glory fills the highest place
what can separate me now?

 

 

I was fine all Sunday morning until we sang this song after Communion. And then I spilled over, and was a mess as He put me back in the right order.

You tore the veil
You made a way
when You said that it is done

 

 

I looked back at Eternity: so sunny in that direction that the trees glittered, though the clouds behind us in the Shadowlands were only slate grey…and someone new there waved. He was with my sister, my son, and others.

and when the earth fades
falls from my eyes
and You stand before me
I know You love me
 

We’ll be filled and more, to overflowing. We will spill over.

I know You love me.


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