something beautiful


Guess what we did this week.

Really. Guess.

No, I didn’t quit coffee. (Are you kidding me?)

I’ll tell you before you get any other crazy ideas.  I had the utter joy of introducing my whole family to one of my most-loved books of all time. On the weekends, over a month, I read it out loud, and during the week I was sick, Vince took over and read to us.

The long platform was almost deserted; the only living creature in sight being a girl who was sitting on a pile of shingles at the extreme end…She was sitting there waiting for something or somebody and, since sitting and waiting was the only thing to do just then, she sat and waited with all her might and main.

We finished it a few days ago. All of us, even Vince…especially Vince…we read it all together. I hadn’t read Anne of Green Gables in years, since I was pregnant with my own red-haired, grey-green-eyed girl, and blew through the whole series for the umpteenth time over the second trimester.

 

The Avonlea school was a whitewashed building low in the eaves and wide in the windows…

This book has always comforted me, ever since being introduced to it by my fifth grade teacher who retained her title as my favorite even after I graduated high school. She read Anne aloud to us, and had one of my classmates take over the reading for one particular chapter toward the end (you know the one) because she could never get through it without crying.

 

There are some authors that can look into a room and describe only the trash, the filth, the greasy lifestyle (this is why Steinbeck and I are not friends) and there are others who can look in the same room and see the hardworking mother, the hopeful child, and the steaming bowl of broth on the table that, admittedly, probably still needs to have the crumbs and spills from the previous meal wiped off of it.

 

We find beauty by looking for it. Even when the windows are dirty.

The east gable was a very different place from what it had been on that night four years before, when Anne had felt its bareness penetrate to the marrow of her spirit with its inhospitable chill. Changes had crept in…

The velvet carpet with the pink roses and the pink silk curtains of Anne’s early visions had certainly never materialized; but her dreams had kept pace with her growth, and it is not probable she lamented them.

Sometimes I am so caught up in the dirt and laundry and pain and bickering. I forget something.

 

A month ago we went to a barbecue at our dear friends’ house. As we always do in large groups of people, we spent the evening on high alert watching Andrey and Reagan for attachment issues, while still trying to carry on adult conversations on a somewhat coherent level. We intervened when a child hugged a total stranger and wouldn’t let go. We pulled a child out of a game for following another adult around instead of actually playing. We held a child after she kept trying to seek out attention from another Mommy. In the midst of catching up with wonderful friends, we were a little harried and constantly on the lookout for red flags, trying not to make anyone else feel they needed to walk on eggshells around us. I don’t know if we succeeded.

We gathered our crew to go home. I was walking away and a friend stopped me. Over the course of the evening she saw many of the issues we dealt with and we had talked at length about all the gory details. Her glasses were not rose-colored.

She smiled at me and said:

“I just love watching you guys…you are doing a beautiful thing.”

needlework: a gift from my dear friend Jeanette at Wordz For Life

 

I had forgotten. Her reminder was a gift. And…tears. Still.

“Dear old world,” she murmured, “you are very lovely, and I am glad to be alive in you.”

– L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables

 

I forget that two kids who were fighting hammer and tongs until last month are now playing cards and laughing together.

I forget that Reagan, who was mostly non-verbal a year ago, now speaks in halting English phrases, and sometimes even sentences.

Afton is not just playing with Legos; he is building a machine with a rag attached to it…for scrubbing the floor. Awesome, yes?

Sophie, my almost constant companion, loves me so much that she interrupted me last night while I was writing to nuzzle my pen. An ink mark on a white kitty’s nose is pretty unforgiving, and it will remind everyone for the next few days that I am her favorite human.

 

In the middle of circumstances and inconvenience, between the chaos and the cacophony…we forget.

We are living something beautiful. Sometimes we need a reminder to keep looking for it.

testing, testing, uno-dos-tres


The woodstove was glowing, smoke drifting slightly west from our chimney, and the snow was piling up almost as fast as the books on my to-read list. We were almost totally thawed last week until Saturday, when it started snowing and didn’t stop until a few days ago. People called it Merry Springmas.  

…WINTER WEATHER ADVISORY FOR SNOW REMAINS IN EFFECT UNTIL NOON
AKDT TUESDAY…

* LOCATION…MATANUSKA VALLEY.

* SNOW…ADDITIONAL SNOW ACCUMULATION 3 TO 7 INCHES THROUGH NOON
ON TUESDAY.

* TIMING…SNOW WILL INCREASE THIS EVENING INTO THE EARLY
OVERNIGHT. SIGNIFICANT SNOW ACCUMULATIONS WILL PERSIST THROUGH
TUESDAY MORNING. MINOR ADDITIONAL ACCUMULATIONS OF SNOW ARE
POSSIBLE THROUGH TUESDAY NIGHT.

This came after the last advisory of 8-14 inches, which came after the alert from Saturday that I can’t remember the details of. The total at our house was 17 inches…less than some, more than others.


Our cats curled up together like quotation marks. The grill wore a chef’s hat. 

The kids practiced their theatrical skills and tried to convince each other they were waist deep

or more

and required assistance

before they had to swim to safety.


Just a few days before, the streets were dry. Mattie and Iree had testing and the rest of us had time to kill while we waited for them to finish. 

 We threw snowballs at each other,


 raised a ruckus at the library, 

stomped in puddles…


fell in puddles…


…and woke up at 7 am for three days straight and lived to tell about it. Miracles do happen. 

We drank a lot of coffee. At the post-testing celebratory lunch with Grandpa at Sophia’s Cafe, I discovered…Greek coffee.

“Greek coffee?” I asked the waitress. “What makes it Greek?”

“Well…I’ve heard people say that it’s like 16 cups of coffee in one cup.”

“I’ll take one of those.”

I just like watching my dad’s eyebrows go up.


This week, as the snow is re-melting, falling off the trees like glacial calving when the sun hits it, we’ve had more testing of a different sort. We had an appointment on Monday that was awesome (yay!) except that in spite of my warnings, our child with the most attachment issues was doted on for a 30-minute gig and we’ve been reaping the consequences ever since. For example: if a child acts like he’s…limping…right after he’s has his blood drawn, you can bet he is practicing his, ah, theatrical skills, also. Please. And while that is kind of funny, everything else we’ve been dealing with post-fawning-appointment has not been. We’ve been swimming for safety all week.

{Unless you are the parent, gushing over a child with attachment issues is a huge no-no, and those who do it are not the ones who have to deal with the aftermath later. Egad, Holmes!}

We are learning to assert boundaries with people in the community and trying really hard to teach those who need to understand what it is that we are dealing with. We have had to be taught, too, and we are still learning so much. Usually it’s wonderful, but this time it wasn’t, and we will start again when this blows over.

We did learn some exciting news though. Eight months home, and Reagan has gained 6 1/2 pounds. Andrey has grown almost 2 1/2 inches.


The fact that Reagan has gained so much weight is particularly notable since she lost almost a pound of hair when we cut it a few weeks ago. 

But the real miracle is that she still has both ears and no injuries, because she is quite a…shall we say, mover and shaker? and jerked this way and that way, wings flapping, the entire time. It didn’t help that this lady showed up at the back door, either.

 

Reagan was flapping like she’d had the Greek coffee. I snipped some quick layers and put away the scissors for everyone’s safety.


It’s Saturday as I write this and homemade macaroni and cheese is in the oven for our almost-sacred movie night. The superfluous testing has eased up over the last day or two and this is the first day I haven’t had to swim for shore all week. Which is wonderful, because I hate swimming. I’m convinced we weren’t meant to do it.


We were meant to walk on water.


introducing grace

It’s a fleeting spring day. We will have snow several more times, probably at least one more cold spell, and the weather will hem and haw its muddy way through the next couple of slushy months until we are dried out and blooming again.

 

But for today, we had sun. We ran errands in forty degrees and felt free without hats and mittens. Vin took most of the kids shopping while I took two of the girls to a local ice cream joint because Iree had earned a special treat. For just over $6, we ate mint chocolate chip and fireweed honey and chatted with tourists.

They asked if I recommended the ice cream, what fireweed jam tastes like, and what the heck a lingonberry is. They asked if I lived here. They asked if I was born here. They did not (amazingly enough) ask if I personally knew any political figures from here (wow!) which is probably the saving grace that kept me from pointing out the bumper sticker on the nearby rack that said, “Alaska is FULL. I hear the Yukon is lovely, though.”

Really, they were nice. Then they mentioned that they were sad to be leaving because it looked like it was almost spring here. “Actually,” I tried to tell her, “our spring is not really ‘spring.’ It’s muddy and messy and gross. It smells bad and looks terrible.”

She nodded with condescending expertise. “Oh, I know. It’s just like that at home, in Pennsylvania.”

Oh. Of course. Yes, I’m sure…it’s just like that. Pardon me.

Smile, wave bye-bye, and leave. Just like that, easy.

Everyone wants to be an expert. Everyone wants a little respect for knowing something. We’re all guilty. Usually it’s harmless.

Sometimes it’s not.

Our kids go swimming once a week, and next door is a place I’ve been curious about for a while. Our social worker mentioned it for our adoption and I thought I’d stop in just to check it out.

{have you ever done that, and left wishing that you had made an appointment to have all your teeth removed instead?}

I had Chamberlain and Reagan with me. We walked in and were greeted by the receptionist.

“Hi,” I said. Smile. “We finalized our adoption six months ago and I just wanted to look around here. Is that okay?”

“Are you having any problems?”

Um. Well. That’s a loaded question and I had no idea how to answer. So I fumbled with, “No…not really…well, just the normal stuff. Whatever normal is, anyway…” and I smiled again, hoping she understood.

She didn’t…but it was worse than not understanding. Instead, she knew all about us, and there was no correcting her.

“Six months home? Oh, you’re just fine. You’re still in the honeymoon. Let me show you the library we have here.”

“Actually, our honeymoon was over after three days with one of them, and we never had a honeymoon with the other,” I said.

She is looking at Chamberlain and doesn’t try very hard to hide the fact that she’s rolling her eyes at what I just said. “No, you’re still in it. Trust me. Just wait, it’ll get worse.”

Oh. Thank you so much.

Then she talked to me about books for adopting toddlers. And adopting from Russia. She never once asked how old the children were, where we adopted from, or how many other children we have. She obviously assumed that the children I had with me were both adopted and both toddlers, and since they were both white we had probably adopted from Russia.

Ohhhh. Of course.

I smiled. I really tried, at least…I think I was smiling. And I asked her, “Have you adopted?”

She straightened up a little. “Um, no. No, I haven’t…but I’ve done guardianship. Yep, I’ve been through it allll with attachment.”

Yes. Yes, of course you have. Except you haven’t, I thought, and left. Smile, wave bye-bye, and leave.

I felt like I’d been puked on by someone who was supposed to be there as a resource and instead was there only to inflate her own ego. It’s not the first time we’ve seen this in the adoption process...or the medical field…or anywhere.

We assume so much, and often know so little.

A while back, in an extremely rare situation, Vin was scheduled to work until the wee hours of the morning. I knew I was going to bed alone, locking up alone, turning off lights and tucking in kids by myself. I know that many married women do this often for a variety of reasons but I am not one of them. I made the best of it and thought I’d get some writing done, some primping done, and go to bed at a reasonable hour…say, 1 am. Maybe two.

Ha.

I’m obviously not responsible enough to put myself to bed at a reasonable hour. So after procrastinating for two hours, I stayed up until 3 am blogging, writing, and eating ridiculous amounts of ice cream. I felt safe, really. I can imagine few things more terrifying for an intruder than to be met with an Alaskan woman wearing an avocado mask, on a sugar high, with a .44 in one hand and her knitting needles in the other.

We had a situation over the last year that kept us on our toes, tightly sealed, and on the alert for months. We were on the lookout and on our knees for someone who had demanded more grace than most of us had left.

There are people that are presumptuous and intrusive and insincere, lacking boundaries and wanting camaraderie. Instead they are met with grace. People who willfully put themselves in a corrupt situation that hurts others, seeking acceptance and even hoping for approval. What they are getting is grace.

Maybe they don’t even know the difference.

My heart knows the difference, though. And my heart feels better when I am giving grace instead of giving in…or getting even.

 

“Oh, Mrs. Clennam, Mrs. Clennam,” said Little Dorrit, “angry feelings and unforgiving deeds are no comfort and no guide to you and me. My life has been passed in this poor prison, and my teaching has been very defective; but, let me implore you to remember later and better days. Be guided only by the healer of the sick, the raiser of the dead, the friend of all who were afflicted and forlorn, the patient Master who shed tears of compassion for our infirmities. We cannot but be right if we put all the rest away, and do everything in remembrance of Him. There is no vengeance and no infliction of suffering in his life, I am sure. There can be no confusion in following him, and seeking for no other footsteps, I am certain!”

– Charles Dickens, Little Dorrit


I’m learning that grace looks different in different circumstances. For example, in some cases we can smile and nod…and that’s grace.

In other cases, we can forgive…and also decide ahead of time that if a certain situation occurs, we will make every effort to aim judiciously and…and…only shoot the intruder in the leg, instead of a more vital area.

And that’s grace, too.