About Shannon

Alaskan homeschooling mama of eight sweet kids. Loves Jesus, writing, coffee, Dickens, and snapping a kitchen towel at my husband when he's not looking.

find the gold: God’s not wasting any time

No one can waste time like a writer. Not only are we spectacular at procrastinating, but the technology is irrational, the process is laborious, and you’ll never even see most of the words we write. Typetypetype, highlight, delete – poof, they’re gone, outta here, no bueno, tossed in the bin, gone forever. Another day at the desk, and only a fraction of the words written are kept to be shared…eventually.

And then – humor me for just a minute, you’ll appreciate this – there are the days you encounter technical difficulty that defy logic and the most elementary commands of a computer. You tell the document to print, and the printer says there’s a jam even though you can’t find any paper in the track. So you empty the entire contents of the printer and restart; try again, but it’s still jammed; dislodge the mechanical guts of the machine and finally find a microscopic piece of confetti; put everything back together and ask it to print again.

Suddenly the stupid thing releases twelve emails from last year, the entire 911 commission report, the Mayflower Compact, the Magna Carta, and the ancient code of Hammurabi.

And then it says you’re out of ink.

BLANKETY BLANK.

find the gold: God's not wasting any time

Last year when we were releasing the ABIDE series we spent four days trying to upload a proof, and then two more days waiting for the proof to come back, only to realize the file had formatting errors that had to be fixed before going to print. It was a rookie mistake and I knew better. Every time we saved the files, small elements would move and it didn’t matter what browser I used, how we saved it, whether I retyped things or just re-pasted them correctly, they kept shifting out of place (just like this meme).

Many emails to the website’s support crew later, Vin finally fixed it all in Photoshop. And the delay didn’t make sense for any reason other than possibly, just maybe, that support team at the website needed to learn about Jesus and prayer, because they got to read pages 44 through 56 of ABIDE volume 4 in advance. Either that, or they desperately needed the recipe for Farmbake.

So much wasted time. But just as often, it’s my own fault.

For example, the file I’m working on lately says “round 4” but that’s a lie because I’ve tackled this book at least twice that many times. But this is probably the fourth time I’ve completely rewritten it, trashing so many paragraphs and pages that were less than what I want it to be. I’m back to those beginning chapters again and honestly, I’m nervous about getting further into it because I know where the story is going, even though I still don’t know how it ends.

I know pain is coming. So I stall and do other work, saving just thirty minutes of the day to tackle this one. Thirty minutes at a time will not finish a book by February – or even May, probably – but some days it’s all I think I can handle.

Which doesn’t mean it really is all I can handle. It’s just that that’s how much obedience I’ve been willing to put into it. So the delay is all on me, and the reward will come as soon as I surrender into really doing the work.

Part of the problem is that it’s a memoir so almost everything is in past tense, but I’m still learning to recognize what happened. And the problem with that is that I am telling, not showing, which is a huge no-no in writerly endeavors. This happened, then this happened, then this happened. It’s not that boring, trust me, but still, it’s telling and not showing. As Annie Dillard says, “You have to take pains in a memoir not to hang on the reader’s arm, like a drunk, and say, ‘And then I did this and it was so interesting.’”

But this is a story that must be told, not shown, and I’m walking the line carefully to protect our kids and ourselves and others who, alas, would not be flattered if I shared in full what really happened. Because also, as Annie Dillard said:

Everybody I’m writing about is alive and well, in full possession of his faculties, and possibly willing to sue. Things were simpler when I wrote about muskrats.

– from Inventing the Truth: The Art and Craft of Memoir

Maybe that’s why I write so much about poultry lately.

So I grab a stack of books off the shelf, all highly recommended by someone or other as excellent specimens of memoirs, which are notoriously hard to write well.

I open one: Memoirs by Pablo Neruda. This is at the top of many lists. I thumb through, and…telling, not showing. Not all, surely, but a lot of it. Past tense, this happened, then this, and then this. But not like a drunk; it’s interesting.

I thumb through A Walker in the City by Alfred Kazin, and The Road to Coorain by Jill Ker Conway. Same. Past tense. Lots of telling. But it’s not bad; it’s good writing. I grab a few more books off the shelf, skim through from back to front, read snatches of sentences here and there.

When Vin brings up afternoon coffee I’m hunched over my shelf looking for Annie Dillard’s An American Childhood and cannot find it anywhere. It’s red, I’m sure, but I scan all the red books to no avail, check all the others in case I’m misremembering, and finally find it with a pink spine that used to be red but faded in the sunlight back when my shelf was on the other wall. I crack it open and there’s this: I was ten when I met the dancing school boys… and she’s telling but she’s also right there with me over coffee, and we’re looking back together. And that’s both an answer and confirmation because that’s how I tend to write anyway when I’m doing my best work.

But before I get there, I still have to choose to do the work, any work, and risk it not being the best work because it can’t all be the best. Not all the words that get typed are words that get published. Vin and I have started calling these the invisible words, the ones that didn’t ring as true as the words that came later. Because it takes a lot of words to sort through before the right ones come that are worth sharing with everyone else. It takes a lot of digging and sifting to find the gold.

And that is life: We are learning to live our story in the best way to find the gold. We risk the days knowing that there will be plenty of them that feel wasted, that we don’t want to share or relive. Some of our days are filled with grit and regret, fingers in the dirt full of pain and confusion, betrayal and trauma. Those are the ones that bring us to a crossroads of choosing to get bitter or get better, to lose our faith or to find it. One choice leads us to the gold, and the other makes us the drunk hanging on someone’s arm, spewing things that should’ve been deleted.

The good news is that we can surrender anytime. It’s never too late to let go, and do some deleting. The Lord knows what to do with our surrender. He’s not wasting any of it; every piece of grit refines us into someone who reflects Him more.

Some people come through awful childhoods and become productive, contributing adults, while others do antisocial and even monstrous things. Why?

It is similar to one brother asking another, “Why did you grow up to be a drunk?” The answer is, “Because Dad was a drunk.” The second brother then asks, “Why didn’t you grow up to be a drunk?” The answer is “Because Dad was a drunk.”

– Gavin de Becker, The Gift of Fear

The wasted days and regrettable experiences are making us into who we are, just as the invisible words are getting us to the ones that tell the story the way it needs to be told. Deciding whether to surrender them or cling to them is what makes the difference.

you can do what He’s calling you to: a kindling post

you can do what He's calling you to: a kindling post

The Lord knows your breakthrough is taking a long time. He is waiting, too.

He knows the enemy has tried to wheedle his way in and get you on the merry-go-round of doubt:

Is it because I still haven’t learned my lesson? Is it punishment? Is it because I don’t deserve what I’ve been hoping for? Is it because someone else needs the answer more than I do? Is it because I’m too stupid to figure out the answers?

The Lord knows the lies and accusations you’ve been wrestling with. Here’s some truth to hang onto:

He is giving you the wisdom you need as you abide.

He doesn’t love anyone else more than He loves you. He’s not playing favorites.

His provision has no limits. He doesn’t have to choose between needs to fill.

His timing is protecting you from things you don’t know about, and preparing you for more than you imagine.

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

— James 1:5-8

You don’t have to know what you’re doing when the Lord tells you to do it.

You don’t have to wait until you have it all figured out. In fact, a lot of people do it that way but it’s just disobedience pretending to be responsible.

Yes, do some research. Figure out your first step. But if He tells you Go, then do it asap. Your joy is at stake.

Show Him you can be trusted with the little things so He knows you are ready to steward the bigger things you’re asking for, too.

You can do the thing He’s calling you to today. The big, brave thing, and the small, annoying thing. The new unfamiliar thing. The strong, steady, obedient thing.

He’s holding favor for you as you trust Him. He moves mightily on your behalf and loves your heart that pursues Him and chooses His ways over your own preferences. He is taking that surrender and molding your desires so they align with His, making it easier and easier to hear Him and know the way to go.

My soul makes its boast in the Lord; let the humble hear and be glad.

Oh, fear the Lord, you his saints, for those who fear him have no lack!

The young lions suffer want and hunger; but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.

Come, O children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the Lord.

What man is there who desires life and loves many days, that he may see good?

Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit.

Turn away from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.

— Psalm 34:2, 9-15

There will be people out there who misunderstand you maliciously and religiously.

So caught up in their own misinterpretation, refusing to see other perspectives, eager to judge and be offended, they will miss the forest for the trees just as they have missed the point that could have broadened their own understanding.

Sometimes they cloak their condemnation with misapplied scripture to keep themselves on a high horse of self righteousness while criticizing those they know nothing about and quenching the Spirit they don’t understand.

But you will know them by their fruit, Jesus said.

So abide. Keep abiding. Keep doing what the Lord has called you to do. It is the only way we bear fruit, and our growth is helped by a good application of manure every once in a while. 😏😎

Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves. You will recognize them by their fruits. Are grapes gathered from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? So, every healthy tree bears good fruit, but the diseased tree bears bad fruit.

— Matthew 7:15-17

Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.

— John 15:4-5

The Lord is not waiting for your perfection or performance to deliver you. He did not bring breakthrough or deliverance or answers to people in the Bible because they checked off all the boxes. He doesn’t deliver because we are perfect, but because He is.


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answering the call: the surrender that creates champions

It was Monday morning and we were trucking right along with school: A kid doing math on the computer, a kid practicing his handwriting at the counter, a kid writing in her journal at the table, a toddler examining his new big-boy belt, and a teen waiting while I checked his language arts assignment.

answering the call: the surrender that creates champions

And then my phone buzzed and bedlam erupted: Before I finished hitting the green button to answer the call, three kids were thrusting their assignments in my face and the toddler swung his belt dangerously near a window. So this is what it sounded like:

buzzTHWACKbuzzMOMHEYMOMbuzzHELPMOMCANYOUbuzzHELPME

and then I held the phone to my ear and said, “Hello? – Shh, I’m on the phone, hold on – Yes, this is Shannon – (Whisper yelling) PUT THE BELT DOWN! – Yes – Shh, all of you go away for a minute – Yep, okay – SHHH – yeah, Wednesday is great.”

Click, and a deep breath, like I’d just run forty meters uphill in three seconds.

But isn’t that a picture of life right now? Even if you’re not homeschooling half a dozen kids, our attention is all over the place and the demands on it are exhausting. So many things need or want our attention and we’re not really sure what they’re asking. We can’t hear some clearly over the noise of others, and we’re not totally sure what should be answered first or what we should do about it, anyway, and it seems like, vaguely, some of it should probably just be ignored but there’s so much clamor it’s hard to sort it out.

We are just trying to deal with normal life, for crying out loud. We don’t need to add any apocalyptic disasters to our milieu to round things out a little, thankyouverymuch.

We don’t really have a lot of say in the events that are happening, though. We can pray, of course, but the real challenge I’ve noticed in my life (and what I’m hearing from so many others) is trying to figure out how to best respond and prepare for all the unknowns ahead.

It’s like we know there’s a test coming soon but we’re not really sure what it’s going to be about. We have no idea what to focus our limited study time on so we can give the correct answers.

My friend and I were talking about this and she said,“Sometimes I wonder what would happen if Noah tried to live as he always had, sometimes working on the ark ‘just in case’ the flood was coming, but he would only put his back into it when he felt the first drops of rain. I’m beginning to wonder if the reason I have fear and confusion is due to this conflict of what I see and what I know in my spirit to be true.”

Huh. It kinda blew my mind. What am I working on, but not really taking seriously enough? What should I be doing now so I’m not scrambling when the rain starts falling?

To be fair to ourselves, though, Noah was given clear instructions: Build an ark, because there will be a flood.

We have not been given clear instructions like that. It’s more like, Hey, you might have a flood but it might also be an earthquake, or maybe a cluster of tornadoes, or possibly a locust invasion and a drought, but also don’t forget about these hurricanes in the forecast…and by the way, have you checked on this active, smoking volcano lately?

Any combination of them might go off, but you prepare differently for each one and you don’t know if you should be building an ark or a bunker or if you should just get out of Dodge entirely.

(I happened to come across a hilarious illustration of this, here. You’re welcome.)

There is a huge divide between what we see and what we sense is coming, and living in that tension produces confusion and half measures. We face unknown realities: If life is like this, we’ll do A, but if it heads south we’ll do B and probably C, and those options are often mutually exclusive. How can we possibly know the right answer?

Obviously the Lord knows how we struggle in the tension of that. He knows we can’t do everything, or understand everything, or predict everything, or prepare for everything. So why put us through it? Why not make it clear?

Maybe the lack of clarity is there to keep us close to Him. The ones who see and abide closely are the ones He entrusts with more. So in that sense, I wonder if living in the tension is not just preparation for us, but also a test to see who passes and advances.

Your words were found, and I ate them,
and your words became to me a joy
and the delight of my heart,
for I am called by your name,
O Lord, God of hosts.
I did not sit in the company of revelers,
nor did I rejoice;
I sat alone, because your hand was upon me,
for you had filled me with indignation.

– Jeremiah 15:16-17

He is watching to see who is watching. He wants to know who will take the time to examine and seek Him, to do the work to keep the plumb line true, to repent and make corrections when necessary. He’s looking for those who will listen for the call and answer it.

For who among them has stood in the council of the Lord to see and to hear his word, or who has paid attention to his word and listened?

– Jeremiah 23:18

If He is drawing all men to Himself, our very longing and questioning and unknowing leads us to understanding our need for Him.

We lean in hard and obey in the day and the moment He gives us. It’s a humbling business; He knows we don’t know what we’re doing. It’s a process of learning and growing and trying and trying again, and you could call it refinement, but when it’s partnered with surrender to the Lord in all of our unknowing, you can also call it sanctification. Because the people who are willing to do it are the people He’s setting apart.

Why is my pain unceasing, my wound incurable, refusing to be healed?
Will you be to me like a deceitful brook, like waters that fail?
Therefore thus says the Lord:
“If you return, I will restore you, and you shall stand before me.
If you utter what is precious, and not what is worthless, you shall be as my mouth.
They shall turn to you, but you shall not turn to them.
And I will make you to this people a fortified wall of bronze;
they will fight against you, but they shall not prevail over you,
for I am with you to save you and deliver you, declares the Lord.
I will deliver you out of the hand of the wicked,
and redeem you from the grasp of the ruthless.

– Jeremiah 15:18-21

If you feel different, it’s because you are.

If you have more questions than answers, you might have figured out the key to the test without realizing it.

Maybe the questions are the answer.

Maybe we have lived too long demanding to understand before we walk forward in the things God tells us. Maybe we’ve rushed too quickly to say the things that seemed to make sense but hesitated to share truths He spoke to us because we didn’t have all the answers…and we like to know all the answers.

I did not send the prophets, yet they ran;
I did not speak to them, yet they prophesied.
But if they had stood in my council,
then they would have proclaimed my words to my people,
and they would have turned them from their evil way,
and from the evil of their deeds.

– Jeremiah 23:21-22

So here we are, choosing to be vigilant in this tension because He has called us to wholeness. We know we don’t have the answers, but it turns out, our willingness to live with so many questions is a big part of the answer we’re looking for.

The other night we drove home in the thickest fog I have ever seen. We could not see to the end of our headlights; we could only see five to ten feet in front of our headlights. Even on the highway we drove slow, watching closely, wary of what we couldn’t see.

In some ways the fog is a gift – it makes us aware of our weakness instead of allowing us to plow forward too fast with a false sense of security. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair, because we are taking the time to abide and move strategically. We don’t need to move fast, we need to move wisely. Because we’re not the only ones who can’t see; there are large wild creatures out there that could dart onto the road any minute, and we all need time to avoid colliding with each other.

We need Kingdom solutions for these days, but Kingdom solutions only come with Kingdom humility. So if you feel like you’re winging it, flying by the seat of your pants in daily obedience while not knowing for sure where it all leads, you’re in good company. This is the sweet spot of surrendered abiding, and it’s where His champions are trained.

Maybe we’ve been trying to see too far ahead. The next step He is calling us to today is not going to look the same for all of us.

But on the other hand it will, because it will look like abiding and obedience.



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