coming and going: what we see up ahead

Mealtime traffic in our kitchen resembles the streets of New Delhi, with the bonus of weaving through the local wildlife of little boys, teenagers, and cats.

Kavanagh climbs onto a barstool and kicks his legs at the counter in time to the Christmas music. Newly three, the kid eats as though he is an advocate for the neighborhood chickens, leaving out his scraps of bread crust and tortillas to harden, nubs of carrots to darken and shrivel. In frustration over all the wasted food, I designated a container for chicken scraps in the fridge and informed the family about it.

coming and going: what we see up ahead

“It’s for bready stuff, grains, and fruits and veggies.” The blank looks that met these words seemed to beg for more specifics, so I added, “Pretty much anything except potatoes, potato peels, onions…”

Eyebrows raised. Maybe it’s too late in the evening to introduce foreign concepts like the Care and Feeding of Neighborhood Chickens, I thought, but forged ahead anyway.

“…and citrus. You can’t give them citrus –”

Vince laughed outright. “That’s a lot of excepts.”

I ignored him and looked at the mess on the counter. “— and pomegranate rinds.” Maybe it would be easier if our neighbors had pigs instead.

We’re planning to get our own chickens in the spring, but don’t think I haven’t already considered pigs, albeit briefly (very briefly) since we don’t have the space. Our property on a bluff with hills is more situated for, you know…goats…since we’re already talking about wild ideas that make Vince laugh out loud.

Lately I’ve been reading every homesteaderly book I can get my hands on. We make small steps every year – a new perennial here, a new skill there – and this year I’m feeling ready for long strides and bolder endeavors. In the middle of winter, right before Christmas, I see green growing things in the future, and fresh herbs in salad.

Sometimes we talk about it in the evenings as we work on the Christmas puzzle, moving all the gardening and foodie books off the card table where they protect the work in progress from the, ahem, local wildlife. Left uncovered, a puzzle in our house will last less than three seconds before little boys “help” by crushing large sections together, and cats tear through it like tiny tornadoes.

We finished one already and we’re onto the second, called “Coming and Going” by Rockwell. We rake through the box, sorting greens from blues or whites from greys, and searching for the elusive edge pieces we’re missing. A thousand pieces at a time, we solve all the world’s problems at this little card table in theory while thinking about how to steward the acre we live on.

My birthday was last week. I got sick the Sunday before, and blinked, and by Thursday I’d depleted our store of tissue boxes and turned 45.

The timing wasn’t all that bad, because Vin invented something new for the week before Christmas break: Movie School for the big kids. Aside from math, no assignments other than watching a bunch of movies that fall more under the “education” than “entertainment” category for some of us, which is how we got Afton to watch Sense & Sensibility (the good version from 2008), and Iree to watch Glory and Amistad. We had to prioritize, not wanting to miss the best ones because Iree is a senior, and this might be our last Christmas with her here under our roof.

Cue suppressed sobbing, and another box of tissues.

By my birthday we’d watched most of the movies, and my grandma called late that afternoon. She asked the same question she does every year: “How old are you now?” as though I have birthdays as often as bank holidays.

“I’m half your age,” I said, remembering the year she pointed out that our ages mirrored each other.

“Well, how old am I, then? Numbers befuddle me sometimes.” And that surprised me, because her age was a pretty big deal last month.

“You’re ninety, Grandma.” More tissues, egad. “Are you having a good day?”

“Every day is a good day as long as I’m still here,” she said. “Some days I don’t know what day it is, and other days I don’t care what day it is, but every day is a good day.” There’s a Grandma-ism for you. We chatted a little more, exchanged I love yous, and hung up.

I didn’t tell her that a couple hours earlier, my other grandma died. My aunt and I had been texting that afternoon and knew she was probably close. I prayed that God would encounter her in her sleep and draw her near…and I’m confident He answered because it’s something He loves to do. She taught me about sewing and gardening, and introduced me to the biggest poppies I’d ever seen. We just ordered heirloom seeds for next summer, and included three different kinds of them.

My grandpa, her husband, died in October and I wasn’t close to either of them anymore. She didn’t recognize me when she last saw me several years ago, but when Kav was five months old I took him to see Grandpa, and he knew me. It took a few long seconds, and I watched recognition dawn. He held Kav’s tiny hand. I told him they smile the same way. And Grandpa looked away, trying to suppress a smile as he quietly touched his own mouth, the same way Kav still does. As we left, he let me pray for him. And he said thank you, and we exchanged I love yous, too.

And now they are both gone, and Grandma is 90, and I am 45. Little Kavanagh just turned 3.

The world is spinning too fast, so I am going to put these pieces together while the snow falls outside, and read about raised beds and chickens.

But I didn’t get far because a delivery truck pulled into our driveway. I ran down the stairs past kids who were running up them, and opened the door to the driver and his assistant as a gust of snow blew in. He gave me a paper to sign, handed me a pen.

“I think it’s the…16th,” the young guy said, eager to help. I smiled and signed my name. Went upstairs, and went back to reading about compost: these elements that die to bring life, but that only do so once broken down properly.

Ash is a good addition to compost, the book says, and I remember that from having a woodstove in our last house. And that’s encouraging, because we’re installing a woodstove in this house next month, and a few more raised beds in the summer, and we’ll need more compost. I see a new plot of carrots, garlic, and cumin, and the need for a wheelbarrow next year.

That night while Vin put the little boys to bed, I made tea for kombucha – this is a skill I know that no longer intimidates. Into the water goes the tea, a pinch of dried plantain, and a small handful of dried dandelion. Stir with the wooden spoon. Grab a sweater and pull it over the flannel. The water starts to boil, turn off the heat. It will sit overnight, cooling, growing stronger. In the morning, I’ll strain the leaves and toss them in the compost before adding the sugar and scoby.

The kitchen is quiet, the traffic stilled. I can hear Vin reading to the boys upstairs. We’ve been talking about how life will change rapidly in the next few years, with another kid or two graduating right after Iree does. In five years, out of eight kids, only half of them will be living with us, and we probably won’t be reading many bedtime stories anymore. 

In the middle of the mayhem, I see an emptier house and a less busy kitchen in the future, and small boys growing taller than me, like their brothers.

But I also see their older siblings returning with grandkids to visit. I see them playing in the garden, chasing chickens, and tracking dirt into the kitchen as we weave and dodge their busy traffic. I see reunion and life ahead, and poppies blooming in summer.

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the process: how we move forward faster

Folks, it’s been quite the process, but a monumental event has occurred at our house:

We have mastered the art of making hash browns. You may applaud if you’d like.

the process: how we move forward faster

After many years of trial and error, I thought I already had hash browns figured out. But thanks to Gordon Ramsey, we have now seen the light – and even better, Vince and Afton have seen the light, and they can make them for me.

(Kav is still in training.)

And these hash browns are…how do I explain this? You know how excited an opera singer sounds in the middle of those high notes? It’s like that. It’s like fanfare and fireworks.

What made the experience even better was that I had my favorite fork. If you don’t own a favorite fork, I’m sorry; you’re missing the joy of having a collection that can only be curated from thrift store shopping. It’s been years in the making.

This fork is special because it’s light, the tines are the perfect width, and most important, the edges of the handle aren’t sharp. You’re probably thinking that most silverware handles aren’t sharp, but I have a painful skin condition that notices those things. So having a favorite fork isn’t weird; it’s practical.

Vince, however, has named the fork.

He calls it Penelope. And that is weird.

The skin condition, along with the lack of sleep and other health issues are slowly getting better, but they, too, are a work in progress. I wish it was instant. I hate that it’s not. But most things aren’t instant; almost everything worth doing requires a process.

Right from the get go, in the beginning, God created. The world was formless and void, dark, and God hovered. It, too, required a series of actions to achieve the final result. The God who made us to create, who made us like Him, designed us to require process.

But we want the finished work now.

Behold, I send an angel before you to guard you on the way and bring you to the place that I have prepared.

– Exodus 22:20

There’s this amazing part in Exodus (and later in Deuteronomy) when the Lord calls the Israelites to possess the land. He says He’ll help them, but He won’t do it in one year “lest the land become desolate and the wild beasts multiply against you.”

And I will send hornets before you, which shall drive out the Hivites, the Canaanites, and the Hittites from before you. I will not drive them out from before you in one year, lest the land become desolate and the wild beasts multiply against you. Little by little I will drive them out from before you, until you have increased and possess the land. 

– Exodus 23:28-30

It fascinates me. The Lord told them to do something — He wanted them to do it, knew they couldn’t do it without Him – but then He promised that His help would only come little by little.

So annoying.

But He wanted them to grow. He knew they weren’t ready to possess the land fully yet.

He was teaching them that it was a process.

And maybe, like me, you are looking at things that seem to be taking way too long to come to completion. And like me, you need to hear that He is at work, both in clearing the land ahead of us, and also in clearing the land within us.

Or maybe, also like me, you are navigating situations that seem like a distraction from the work you ought to be doing.

A crisis comes up and it stalls progress – you can’t move forward and clear the land because now you’ve got to deal with this new situation, and it puts the real work on the back burner. We try to heal in one area but something just keeps knocking into it, constantly bruising it or tearing the wound open.

How can we move forward when we’ve got this new situation to deal with? How are we ever going to get this work done if it keeps getting pushed to the back burner?

And He says, I work on the back burner, too, Love.

I’m not limited to one location like you are.

While you think you are stalled, I am doing other work that must be done, that wouldn’t otherwise be done, if you were moving forward according to the ease of your own plans.

The distraction and the crisis are also productive. Deep work is being done so you can move forward faster when the time comes.

And I really want to move forward faster when the time comes. Sometimes I just want the time to come now. And there’s no shame in that, as long as we remember that His time will be the perfect time.

He has things to teach us in the mean time so the finished product will be so much better, the way it’s meant to be. For example, can you really have a great hash brown experience without accompanying it with jalepeno-chive aioli? I don’t think so.

Obedience to His process is the way forward. That doesn’t mean we have to sit back and take everything the enemy throws at us; it means we can stand in authority and identity in prayer, and we know that God is moving in spite of what things look like.

We keep our eyes on what He’s doing, and what He’s told us to do, and trust Him with the rest. Sometimes that looks like being still, which seems like no movement, no progress at all – just waiting, dealing with the new thing in front of us, no matter how annoyed we are that it showed up and interrupted our momentum.

He has a different momentum, and it is never interrupted. Yielded, we are always moving forward, regardless of how many things are on the back burner. 

He’s doing the work in both places as we trust Him for the perfect timing. Sometimes it’s only a minute away, and we have no idea it’s that close.

It will be a monumental event, like fanfare and fireworks.

______
*This is an excerpt from Work That God Sees, available here.

words, foreign & domestic

We started a new routine around here last winter. While Vin puts the little boys to bed, Chamberlain grabs The Lord of the Rings and a hairbrush, and I read aloud while she brushes my hair. A few pages later, Vin comes back downstairs and listens in until I get to the next stopping point.

It’s been a beautiful, blissful way to wind down at the end of the day.

Until suddenly, it wasn’t.

words, foreign and domestic: territory that changes us

Suddenly, I couldn’t handle the slightest snag from the hairbrush. I was too tired to read or hold the book. Doing one more thing at the end of the day, even a relaxing thing like reading, was just one thing too many. Maybe several things too many.

At first I thought it was okay. Just normal mom stuff; we know what it is to live without sleep and to push our bodies further than we think we can go. But when several issues compounded and the pain got so bad it made my heart race, it was clear I needed to make an appointment.

So I went to the ANP with my list of woes. She listened, poked and prodded, and asked all the questions before concluding that I was dangerously sleep deprived and possibly dealing with an autoimmune disorder. She used words like “worried” (referring to her) and “shutting down” (referring to me) and “stubborn” (also me).

Her main recommendation was to do whatever it takes to start getting enough sleep again. And to help facilitate that, she had some other ideas.

You’re not gonna like this, she said: A 30-day paleo reset, and start weaning the baby. And she was right, I didn’t like either of them, but they both resonated with what’s going on, so, whatever. She also gave me a couple of supplements and some referrals for follow up, including labs and imaging. And just for kicks, bless her heart, she suggested other things too — but she used that word “stubborn” again (twice!) and admitted I probably wouldn’t even consider them. And she was right on that, too.

So I went home with the notes and the supplements and the packet of paleo information. A quick glance informed me that it meant no grains, no dairy, no sugar, no prisoners.

And then I dumped everything on the counter and made myself a quesadilla.

Which I ate while nursing the baby.

I told myself it was okay though, because the quesadilla had fermented jalapeños (See? Veggies and probiotics!) and I wasn’t starting yet, anyway. I’d start the whole shebang for reals in a couple of days, to give me time to get out the month’s newsletter and mentally prepare for what I was getting myself into.

“And now leave me in peace for a bit! I don’t want to answer a string of questions while I am eating. I want to think!”

“Good Heavens!” said Pippin. “At breakfast?”

― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

For now, I would just read the paleo guidelines. I grabbed the packet from the counter and noticed it already had a smear of something on the back of it. I looked closer and realized it was cream sauce. Perfect.

The packet said yes to all the meats, yes to all fruits, yes to all vegetables. But wait – what’s this, special notes for autoimmune issues? No eggs, no nightshades.

What the heck is a nightshade, I thought.

It sounded like something out of Middle Earth, along with all of Tolkiens’s other unfamiliar words, like fen, tussock, sloe, dingle. That world isn’t an unfamiliar landscape to me – this is my fifth venture into Middle Earth – but the language continues to stretch me. Sward, eyot, wythe. Or turves, which isn’t so unfamiliar once you realize it’s the plural of turf; or meads, which is generally paired with “rolling.” Rolling meads. So, fields. Ahh, meads, like meadows. Gotcha.

I’m still not sure if some of the words are mythical – a whortle-berry? Is that real? Mallorn, athelas? Living in Alaska my entire life, there are plenty of names I’ve only heard of but never experienced – things like crepe myrtle, palmetto, full-service gas station.

We have our own landscape and language: tundra, birch, lupine, forget-me-not, cheechako, bunny boots. And places, too – instead of Lothlorien, we have Hatcher Pass; instead of the Rauros and the Withywindle, we have the Matanuska, Knik (pronounced “kuh-nik”), and Kenai Rivers. This is the language I know.

But no, I searched the internet, and nightshades are not from Middle Earth. Turns out, nightshades is actually code for All The Veggies That Shannon Likes Best.

Including jalapeños. Blankety blank.

So for the last several weeks I’ve been eating all the right things (except for my morning latte, which we won’t talk about), taking my supplements, drinking a ton of water, and taking in the Word however I can. And He’s been speaking to me about some new ways to do it.

The drink was like water…the effect of the draught began at the toes, and rose steadily through every limb, bringing refreshment and vigour as it coursed upwards, right to the tips of the hair.

– J.R.R. Tolkien, The Two Towers

A year ago He asked me to start praying online, but now He’s asking me to read the Word – not just quietly to myself, but aloud to whoever will listen online. And like last time, I put it off because I wasn’t sure how to do it. Finally I clearly heard Him say, Just start doing it, and I’ll show you how. So I did, and He is.

Will I edit the video and make it fancy? Nope. Will I mispronounce names? Yes, unapologetically, and I’ll have fun doing it. Will I brush my hair beforehand? If past performance is any indication of future success, um…the odds aren’t very good.

But the Word is powerful, and the spoken Word is even more so, and God uses the enemy’s tactics against him in beautiful, ironic justice. When the CEOs of social media use their profits to fund or further the enemy’s agendas, what better way to respond than use those platforms to share God’s word?

All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work.

– 2 Timothy 3:16-17, ESV

I started about a week ago. Meanwhile, my imaging results came back clear and the labs ruled out autoimmune disorders, praise God.

Health and hope grew strong in them, and they were content with each good day as it came, taking pleasure in every meal, and in every word and song.

– J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

This is beautiful news, not only because YAY, one less diagnosis, but also because I can eat nightshades and eggs again.

I’ve discovered that the way to appreciate a 30-day paleo reset is to spend the first two-thirds of that time fasting from nightshades, and then celebrating with the most amazing hashbrowns ever, complete with fried egg, mushrooms, and aioli.

And, in case aioli is unfamiliar to you, it’s just a little mayo mixed with an acid and herbs, in a million variations – vinegar, lemon, lime, cilantro, sriracha, garlic, swoon. My favorite is with lemon, cayenne (hello, you beautiful nightshade, you!) and dill.

So, Aioli – I’m pretty sure it’s Italian for “forgot to buy salad dressing.” And now you can add that to your vocabulary, too.