the letters go everywhere

the letters go everywhere (Copperlight Wood)

Chamberlain is learning to write. I can’t express to you the joy I feel in watching little lines waver on paper to become faintly recognizable in these early efforts.

She is on the barstool on one side of the counter while I am doing dishes on the other side in the kitchen, and her handwriting book is laid out in front of her. She asks me how to spell her name and I slowly recite it for her while Sophie chews the alphabet magnets off the fridge (she’s a little quirky like that), sending letters everywhere.

the letters go everywhere (Copperlight Wood)

She holds up her work to show me, and her letters are everywhere, too, all over the page. She has taken the creative interpretation approach to writing, completely disregarding the guide line after the word NAME that was intended to buoy it. By sounding the letters out from left to right in order of nearest proximity, her cheerfully printed name reads…

CHMABERNAIL.

Not too shabby for a four year old with eleven letters in her first name.

Over at the table, Afton’s been testing his accuracy in simple addition, and he brings me his practice sheet to be checked. I scan it quickly while picking up letter magnets that Sophie has strewn all over the floor, and everything looks good except for one problem at the bottom.

“What does this say? Three plus six equals…backwards P?”

He grins. “It’s a nine…” He knows that I know that. He also knows that I know he can write it better.

I think I have these two, and their older two siblings, figured out. We work through tweaking every year to fit different needs, but overall I know what to expect and how they should be doing in any given area.

the letters go everywhere (Copperlight Wood)

But Andrey and Reagan? Those guys are moving targets. They’re nearly impossible to assess using any inside-the-box strategy.

They know most letters, they know some numbers, and they know colors. They know many of the things on a preschool-kindergarten checklist…until you ask them.

I point to an L and put on a huge smile, because learning letters is exciting! “Andrey, do you know what that is?”

Andrey looks, shakes his head, and puts on his best pity-party frown. “I dunno.”

He might be telling the truth, except for the fact that the last two weeks have been brought to us by the letter L and we’ve had it on the wall since September.

Well, fine. Next kid: “Reagan, what’s this?”

I know she knows it. She knows all of the letters frontwards and backwards, only occasionally stumbling over an obscure Q or W. But she just saw what Andrey did, and she’s going to try it, too.

Blank stare. “I dunno.”

In a heroic effort, I refrain from violently and repeatedly slamming my head into the nearest wall…and instead quietly move on to Chamberlain. They don’t know it, but I’m not teaching letters anymore.

“Cham, what’s this?”

“An L.” Duh, Mom.

“Great job! Hey…which sticker do you want?” Because learning letters is exciting!!

The I Dunno’s blank expressions quickly change. That was not the reaction they were expecting – learned helplessness is usually met with extra attention, not indifference. But one of them is learning that those coveted stickers come to those who are honest…and the other is learning to follow a better example.

It feels like a win for today, but it never feels like enough. Reagan will be eight soon, and I know she is capable of so much more. Some days it seems like we are getting the loose ends tied together only to have them cut apart with scissors the next time we go out in public.

They should be learning shapes. We should paint more often. I should read more intentionally to them. I should teach them more about animals. I should email that person about the occupational therapist they mentioned. I should go to sleep before 2 am.

Those letters – the ones that spell should – go everywhere.

IMG_4897

Sophie has pulled the magnets and artwork off the fridge again and I rearrange the papers higher. I am thinking about what I should be doing better. I know that in my own way, I make backwards Ps that are supposed to be nines, also. 

Between cooking and bathing and laundry and cleaning, it never feels like it’s enough.  The day is spent in knitting little hearts together and by bedtime everything feels unraveled. Mama feels frayed and frazzled. I feel like I am chasing legos and if I don’t focus, my letters go everywhere and make no sense at all. 

Just feed them and love them, He says. They are learning and healing in that.

It is enough.

When you feel like it’s not, that’s only because you are completely disregarding the guideline that was intended to buoy you. Each day is an enduring triumph, accomplishing My purpose.  

The work of your day is everlasting, steadfastly working out the purpose I’ve set out for it. It’s not fraying, unraveling tomorrow, like dishes that will need to be washed again after the next meal.

I know you’re learning. Your letters go everywhere because you are actually trying. I’m watching your efforts with joy…the same way you watch Chamberlain.

I can’t express to you the joy I feel in watching little lines waver on paper to become faintly recognizable in these early efforts.

 

wait and listen from Copperlight Wood

 *This is day eighteen of the Wait and Listen series. The other posts are here.

in the dark

in the dark: it takes risk to learn (Copperlight Wood)

There’s this little area of our kitchen that I’m going to tell you about. I could show you a picture, but it’s just too gruesome and would probably traumatize you. So I’ll  describe it because I’m sure your own kitchen is spotless and you’ve never even thought of the possibility of this remotely existing in your house.

It’s the space between the stovetop and the counter. On both sides of the stove, there is this little bitty crack, just a millimeter or two wide. You know the spot?

Imagine every ingredient that ever existed in our kitchen, in varying amounts from mere crumbs to several tablespoons, being forcibly crammed into it. And then left to ferment. Oh, yes.

I take the sponge and wipe over it daily, which is excellent for cleaning the surface around it but probably only serves to send more debris into the abyss. The only way to clean it out is to go in there.

NOOOO!!! (insert freaky violin music) You can’t make me!!

Maybe we can talk Vince into it, instead.

There’s another area of our house I’m going to tell you about. We have a small bathroom, and it’s equipped with a light switch and perfectly good light bulbs. There is a little girl sitting on the floor of the bathroom, in the dark, refusing to…wait for it…turn on the light.

Weren’t we doing this two weeks ago with something else?

Children in orphanages have been conditioned to get more attention from caregivers when they appear helpless: the more independent children in an institutional environment are, the less attention they receive. Some post-institutionalized children have deeply internalized this behavior and manage to appeal to a wide audience with demonstrated helplessness.

This behavior has also been observed in abused children, who would rather have negative reinforcement than no attention at all.

– Boris Gindis, Ph.D.

She doesn’t have to sit in the dark. She has everything she needs to stand up and turn on the switch and move on with her day. It’s learned helplessness combined with a medley of other attachment issues. If she could pretend she didn’t know how to breathe, I think she might try it.

Jesus. What the heck?! Why does she do this?

Imagine every ingredient of neglect and abuse that ever existed in the first six and a half years of her life, being forcibly crammed into her. And left to ferment.

Oh.

You have to go in there with her. Join her in the dark place and shine light into it.

I open the cracked door, and she squints. I squat down in front of her, and she flinches. She’s been here over a year and still she flinches. Not as often, but she still does it. She knows she’s disobeying and she remembers being hit for it.

It would take less than 1 second for me to flip the switch on for her and then we could move on, but that would only serve to wipe more debris into the abyss. People did that for over six years, and clearly it did not help her, though I’m sure it seemed more convenient at the time, every time.

I can’t even walk her through the motions. She knows what the motions are. She must actually decide to make the move herself.

Many of these children actually have the needed skills or knowledge, but are resistant to any attempt to encourage them to act independently…

It can be open defiance or hidden sabotage, but it is rooted in their overwhelming need to be always in control, to be on known and manageable “turf.” This is an obstacle in their learning: to be a good learner means to take risks, to step into unknown territory, to be sure of one’s own ability to cope, and to be prepared to accept help.

– Boris Gindis, Ph.D.

I hold her for a while and then leave her to sit on the bathroom floor so I can make dinner.

Spaghetti and meatballs. Homemade sauce from scratch, piece of cake.

Hey Love, He says. Remember when you were in college, and didn’t even know how to make coffee?

Yeah. I couldn’t make anything that didn’t come out of a box or a can. Are You rubbing it in?

Remember when you were too intimidated to try making bread? Remember when knitting seemed too difficult?

I have no idea where He’s going here, but I’m paying attention.

Remember when you’d never read Jane Austen, and then you struggled though Sense and Sensibility? Remember when you knitted that first baby sweater? And do you remember a few months ago, when you tackled HTML and WordPress and fought until 3 am to convert this whole thing over? 

falling off a cliff, bored

“To be a good learner means to take risks, to step into unknown territory, to be sure of one’s own ability to cope, and to be prepared to accept help…”

keyboard

It took me another hour to figure out how to fix the keyboard.

You stopped being afraid of the unknown and the newness. You got tired of sitting in the dark.

I feel like I’ve spent most of my life overcoming unknowns. Ridiculous intimidations. Big and small fears, both real and non-existent. 

Yes, you have.

That’s why I chose you to be her mother.

wait and listen from Copperlight Wood

 

*This is day seventeen of the Wait and Listen series. The other posts are here.