first things, part two: how the Word fills the pantry of our soul

The windstorm was supposed to continue all day, gusts up to 75 miles an hour. At our house on a hill they sometimes feel higher, and during it wasn’t safe to walk across the yard.

I listened to the noise and occasionally heard movement outside that was not wind, but things carried by the wind, like branches hitting the house. Snow coming loose and flying everywhere. Maybe trees falling.

first things, part two: how the Word fills the pantry of our soul

We were safe inside. We did the things we knew to do: secured everything outside, filled containers with water, charged all the things. And we’re always stocked up on the essentials. I learned years ago that I get a little edgy when we’re out of potatoes, and Vin is the same way with tortillas. Irish and Mexican, y’all.

Emotionally, in a storm, it’s our thoughts that get lifted up and blown everywhere. They fly through, filled with debris, and we feel the assault of worry, accusation, anger, and fear.

We know Jesus, we are filled with the Holy Spirit, we have charged ourselves with prayer and the Word, but the wind is blowing up against us and we can barely hear what’s true in the midst of the noise.

What do we do? We can go into our inner room.

One of our boys was reading about tornadoes this week and he was astounded at how sometimes the only thing left of a house after the storm passes is an inner closet or bathroom. Everything outside was gone, but those inner walls had been sheltered and stronger than the rest.

In these stormy seasons, we can build walls of scripture and promises around us, around our families and communities. We insulate with decrees and declarations that agree with God, barring the enemy from admittance. We intercede for those whom the Holy Spirit brings to mind, and fill the cracks and crevices in their walls. We can keep the wind out, bar the lies and confusion from coming in.

And also…we can command the wind to cease. If He did it, we can, too.

And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, “Peace! Be still!” And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm.

— Mark 4:39

“Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever believes in me will also do the works that I do; and greater works than these will he do, because I am going to the Father.

— John 14:12

We know the Word, and we memorize the Word, and it fills the pantry of our soul. Each verse is tucked in like a jar on the shelf – light and color shining through, storing up abundance for the days to come.

My son, if you receive my words and treasure up my commandments with you,

making your ear attentive to wisdom and inclining your heart to understanding;

yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding,

if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures,

then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God.

– Proverbs 2:1-5

This pantry is different though, because when you consume it, it grows instead of getting depleted. Each verse is saved, not borrowed, never needs returning, and never runs out or goes empty. It expands the storehouse within.

Several years ago I was filling the pantry of my soul with my own copywork – because Mom does school around here, too – and wrote passages of scripture in a notebook Iree had made for me. I stopped when it became too painful; I had postpartum eczema on my hand for years and it changed a lot of routines and things, including my handwriting. But it’s better now and I dug out the old notebook. No more excuses, I want the right walls to be stronger. I want the pantry of my soul to be filled.

…put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.

— Ephesians 4:22-24

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

— Romans 12:2

Sometimes it’s hard because so much of what we are accomplishing is invisible. It’s like we’re creating oxygen, and, well, oxygen is nice – you can’t live without it, of course – but we don’t think about breathing unless something goes wrong with the process of doing it. We don’t want to make oxygen; we want to make something with color and substance to it. So it helps for me to see these verses in my mind as I write them and read them and push through in memorizing them. I don’t like the process and repetition of memorizing, but as I do it I see in my mind jars filling with goodness in all sorts of colors.

For the Lord gives wisdom;

from his mouth come knowledge and understanding;

he stores up sound wisdom for the upright;

he is a shield to those who walk in integrity,

guarding the paths of justice

and watching over the way of his saints.

– Proverbs 2:6-8

I’ve tried a few different things lately – sticky notes on the bathroom mirror, recording short sections of scripture repeated several times in voice memos to listen to. I’m learning to ignore the enemy’s attack of boredom or annoyance with the repetition. Sometimes I share it online and encourage you guys to push play. We get the Word in, and get the junk out.

We push through and know that it is changing us. It is storing up mercy. We are filling the pantry of our soul. The Word is milk to those who are babes in Christ but meat to those who are grown, and we all need to eat.

Oh, how abundant is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you and worked for those who take refuge in you, in the sight of the children of mankind!

– Psalm 31:19

I know it’s hard; there are boring sections about the census in Numbers 26 and descriptions of temples in Ezekiel and all those laws in Leviticus. But as I’m reading, the Lord reminds me that washing my face is boring, brushing my teeth is boring, writing the date at the top of a new entry in my journal is boring. But they’re necessary things. We don’t spend all day brushing our teeth, and we don’t fill the entire page by writing the date over and over. But those things have a purpose, in their own time and place. We read the Word and linger where He tells us.

Routines are good because they help us stay on track, but there will always be some days when routines go out the window. Sometimes on major holidays I barely read my Bible. I’ll start to, but get interrupted a few times, then the time gets away from me and food has to be cooked or we’re running out the door.

But I can run back to it. I can run back to the Lord and turn my attention to Him without shame or hesitation because He’s been here with me all along — He knows how the day has gone and He watched over us as it unfolded. Not finishing my planned reading doesn’t put me on the bad list for the day.

Do you need to hear that right now? Because it seems like someone does.

So, here: God is not watching for our perfection and performance. He is watching over our hearts.

On those days when there’s no quiet place to hear the words in my head as I try to read them, I could’ve yelled at my kids so I could read the Bible without interruption. And honestly, I have. Been there, done that, gotten the dummy award for it. It’s about as spiritual as my kids arguing about who’s turn it is to pray over the meal.

Sometimes we miss the forest for the trees. We try to read the Word without paying attention to what it already told us. We try to smile for the camera to make a happy memory when everyone is frustrated or angry and no one wants to record that particular moment.

We want something to look at in the future — a cute photo, a finished task — but all along, God is saying to us, Hey, Love. Look at Me.

So we do, and the other stuff falls into its rightful proportion.

The to-do list becomes less, He becomes more. And we become more right along with Him, because that is how He grows us.

He who walks righteously and speaks uprightly,

who despises the gain of oppressions,

who shakes his hands, lest they hold a bribe,

who stops his ears from hearing of bloodshed

and shuts his eyes from looking on evil,

he will dwell on the heights;

his place of defense will be the fortresses of rocks;

his bread will be given him; his water will be sure.

– Isaiah 33:15-16

The shelter becomes stronger and the storm gets quieter.

The Word is living and active: when we speak it we are releasing living things, unleashing life in areas where death has tried to intrude.

We speak the Word and hold the darkness at bay; we make way for those who need shelter so they can get to the door in time.

The Word widens our tent pegs, expands the walls, and makes room for everyone running up the path.

Then you will understand righteousness and justice and equity, every good path;

for wisdom will come into your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul;

discretion will watch over you, understanding will guard you,

delivering you from the way of evil, from men of perverted speech,

who forsake the paths of uprightness to walk in the ways of darkness,

who rejoice in doing evil and delight in the perverseness of evil,

men whose paths are crooked, and who are devious in their ways.

– Proverbs 2:9-15

I don’t understand how Jesus makes all these wrong things right; I only know that He brings righteousness out of them. His word says so and it is the verse I will never forget: It is the signpost over our door, and the lantern we hold out to others. We obey, we water, we plant, we prune, and He fills the pantry of our soul because those who are faithful in little will be faithful in much, and He has a storehouse to feed multitudes.



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trusting Him with the rest: a kindling post

I was up early with a toddler who needed to go back to sleep. And I was soooo tired.

It had been over an hour already — he woke me up at 4:30 — and I knew I’d get back to bed soon, but apparently not quite yet because he was still rolling all over the place and making new, weird boy noises with his mouth while listlessly kicking the wall, petting the cat, and hitting his mattress. Sigh.

trusting Him with the rest: a kindling post by Shannon Guerra

Why do we fight rest? We start early, like this. But some of us keep doing it far into adulthood. Maybe all our lives. It’s something I have always struggled with.

Maybe, partly, it’s because we’re made to do stuff. We are made in the image of the Creator, so we’re made to create. We have ideas and energy, and we doers and dreamers need to move on them before they wither or dissipate.

But the Creator rested, too — and I’m pretty sure He didn’t have to, so I wonder if He did it just to be an example to us. Have you ever tried to get a toddler to go to sleep by shutting your eyes and setting the example, pretending to sleep? We need to see what our Father is doing, and be in the habit of doing it, too.

Jesus, help us to rest well. Help us to steward our days and do what we can, and trust You with the rest, so we can rest.

The Lord knows the things you dream about, but He still wants you to tell Him about them.

He also knows the longings you have that you don’t have words for yet, or that you don’t yet realize you’re carrying.

Have you noticed His grace lately, or do you still feel like you need to earn things like His favor, love, provision, and protection?

Kids don’t earn those things. They’re just favored and loved and provided for and protected because that’s what parents do.

Even if your parents didn’t do that, God does. He is the best, first, and final parent. He loves you and there’s nothing you can do to make Him love you more. Or less.

He loves you because that’s who He is. So His grace and gifts are right there for the taking. Be honest with Him about the things you dream about, and what you’ve been longing for, and what you’ve always wondered about. See what He has to say about them. He likely had something to do with putting those dreams in your heart in the first place.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places.

— Ephesians 1:3

In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth.

— Ephesians 1:7-10

Someone is hoping you’ll be brave enough to speak up about and do the thing that’s been on your heart. The conviction you’ve been feeling about it isn’t just for you; it’s also for those whose lives will be changed by it, and for those who will see your obedience and be emboldened to do hard things, too.

Moving past your fears and resistance will equip you to obey God more and more. It will make you stronger. It will expand your comfort zone, making the hard things become easier things.

But not obeying will do the reverse. There’s no neutral in this – either you grow forward, more like Him, or you shrink back, and become less than you’re meant to be.

There’s joy on the other side of obedience, and it’s bigger than the insecurities you feel or the excuses you want to make. You are bigger than that. You’re made to do the exploits the Lord is calling you to.

Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised.

For, “Yet a little while, and the coming one will come and will not delay; but my righteous one shall live by faith, and if he shrinks back, my soul has no pleasure in him.”

But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who have faith and preserve their souls.

— Hebrews 10:35-39

We can rest in the One who carries us.

We can look ahead and know that nothing threatens us.

We can look back and know we did the best we could when we were abiding. And we can repent for when we didn’t abide, and still move forward.

We can face the work in front of us and know that we can do hard things: They don’t necessarily have to be fun, but they don’t have to be as miserable as we suspect they might be, either. And we will come out stronger and smarter, regardless.

We win no matter what. We refuse to partner with dread or agree with fear. We choose to walk in peace, one powerful step at a time, and move to the other side of this assignment. We may not like it, but the Lord has plans to use us mightily if we’ll surrender to Him in the midst of it.

The Kingdom will expand. The enemy’s stronghold will contract. Light will shine into dark places, and truth and justice will pour out.


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guardianship: surrendering to a process of becoming more like Him

Bedtime. I rolled over and tried to pull the pillow into place, and felt something tweak in my shoulder.

“Great,” I muttered, “tomorrow people will ask why I’m gimping around and I’ll have to tell them, ‘I’m 46, and I hurt my shoulder while wrestling with my pillow.’”

“Just tell them you did it in bed,” Vin said. “Let them use their imagination.”

And that did sound like a better idea.

guardianship: surendering to a process of becoming more like Him

Sometimes though, we can’t let people use their imagination. Sometimes their imaginations are less than gracious. And sometimes they believe the thing that seems most convenient but furthest from reality. Some things have to be clarified. And often the more important those things are, the harder they are to communicate.

For example, all week long I had a difficult conversation coming up. I had prayed and asked others to pray. But still, I was dreading it; I wondered if I should just not pursue it. Maybe I could get out of it.

So like every mature Christian, I tried that tactic in prayer:

I don’t want to do this, I told the Lord. I don’t know if I can do this.

You need to, though, He said. You know how to do it.

I don’t trust myself to do it right, though.

Do you trust Me? He asked.

Yes…but I don’t trust them. I don’t know how they’ll respond.

Do you trust Me? He repeated.

Of course I do. So I gave my feelings to Him (over and over, you know how this goes sometimes) and initiated the conversation. And the Lord gave me not only the wisdom and firmness I needed, but also the calm demeanor, composure, and discernment to say everything that needed to be said as I stood my ground. I did not waver; there was nothing on my list that was left unsaid.

God showed me again that He is faithful to work through us even when we feel unable and uncertain.

And that situation has been really good to look back on because a few months ago we learned about a whole new part of the special needs adoption process that we didn’t realize we signed up for almost eleven years ago. It’s called guardianship.

Maybe some of you are familiar with this. Maybe you’ve dealt with it and it seemed like no big deal. But for our family it feels like a Really Big Deal and we didn’t see it coming, and in some ways I feel stupid because it seems like we should have known about it or at least been given a heads up somewhere in the hours upon hours we spent in trainings and adoption paperwork.

For the equally uninitiated, it’s this: With their special needs and delays, our adopted kids will not be able to take care of themselves upon turning 18, when they magically become adults in the state of Alaska. This part wasn’t a surprise; we knew when we met Reagan that we were taking on a much bigger task than we originally thought and that she would always live with us. We did expect Andrey to be able to care for himself someday, though not as soon as he hits that magic number. What we did not realize is that continuing to care for them requires the legal activation of guardianship, and it is a fairly lengthy, somewhat invasive, legal process of courts, reports, and paperwork akin to the adoption process itself, except that it continues for the rest of our lives until we die.

Even after going through the original process and caring for them for over ten years, we must prove ourselves all over again to the government that we are able and willing to continue doing for our children what we’ve been doing all along. We cannot leave it to their imagination; it must be communicated. Again.

And that feels wrong to me. Oh, I know the reasons for it; you don’t need to lecture me. There have been exceptional cases of terrible people who take advantage of the system and do neglectful and sometimes horrific things to children. That is part of why we chose to adopt in the first place. The bigger problem is that more often than not, the terrible people out there doing terrible things to children are part of the system and work for the government.

So to treat all parents as guilty until proven innocent – over and over again – is unjust, inefficient, and a lousy use of resources. Putting the onus on parents who have already been through the fire and devoted years of their lives to caring for these children seems to be a “look here, not there” strategy.

But what can you do? There’s no other option. As it’s been explained to me, the reason it’s necessary is because Reagan cannot care for or make choices for herself, and without guardianship, if she were injured and needed to go to the hospital after she’s 18, we would not be able to make choices for her or authorize her care, either.

And yet if that situation arose, what then? Someone (a police officer, hospital staff, or some government worker) would arbitrarily end up making those decisions on her behalf, even though they would have no history with her, know absolutely nothing about her, and, ironically, would not have completed the process of guardianship, either. But we, her parents, must jump through the bureaucratic hoops in order to continue doing for her what we’ve been doing all along.

So we cannot leave things to the government’s imagination, and we will prove ourselves again by filling out more paperwork and going through more trainings and meetings so the government can check off their boxes, which is more important to them than actually spending all those hours with our children or nurturing our family, which is what good parents actually do.

I know, I’m a little bent outta shape about this.

The pressure wells and I am aware of every breath because I am inhaling deeply and deliberately, willing the oxygen to go in and the stress to go out. And then I eat a caffeinated energy bar because augmenting anxiety with the jitters seems like a capital idea.

I go downstairs to water the plants, and as I look at these tiny seedlings, I persist in telling myself the truth. The feelings want to be louder, but the truth is what needs to win the day:

The Lord knows this whole process.

He is protecting our family.

He has prepared us and is continuing to prepare us.

What surprises us does not surprise Him.

This won’t be wasted time; this will be found time.

This will be for our good, because He causes all things for our good. This will expand the Kingdom as we surrender to Him in it, and faithfully walk through it.

Nothing can threaten us.

That’s the thing that really gets me: It feels threatening and invasive. It feels like it’s sending us back to the beginning, and the beginning was so hard.

But wait, no, we’re focusing on truth and not feelings, so I keep going back to the truth. I plant those seeds deep, deep down so they will take root and grow. And it’s all well and good while I’m watering my lettuces and garlic, but as soon as I’m back upstairs on the couch researching the process, anxiety steamrolls through, scattering resolve and making me take deep, shaky breaths all over again. And I’m right back to telling Him, I don’t want to do this.

You need to, though, He tells me again. Do you trust Me?

I do trust Him. I don’t trust a lot of people, though. We’ve been burned so many times when they’ve used their imaginations, appointed themselves as authorities, or assumed something that wasn’t true. I’ve learned that outsiders can be dangerous and painful to special needs families and kids.

For years Reagan had a tiny, tiny bed. We tried giving her a twin-sized bed and she hated it; she slept on the outermost top corner of it because…well, use your imagination. She had a tiny bed at six years old when we met her, about half the size of a toddler mattress. I don’t know what her experience with bigger beds was, and she didn’t like the one we gave her. So Vin made her a small one that she did like, and it saved space in a bedroom that was shared by three girls at the time. But if you came to our house and saw her tiny, tiny bed, you would wonder. And I wouldn’t blame you for wondering. But I would blame you if you judged us for it without knowing the reason behind it.

A couple years ago we went on a short hike with someone we’d only met once before. A few days later I learned that this person had noticed Reagan walked awkwardly (because she does) and kept stepping out of her shoes (because she does). They assumed it was because her shoes didn’t fit her, so they generously offered to buy her some.

Do you see how that’s not really generous, though? They assumed we weren’t providing for her, that we hadn’t bothered to purchase shoes that fit her. They didn’t ask us, didn’t know anything about her, had never spent any time with her. They just assumed that the way she walked and acted was because of neglect and lack of finances on our part.

(Side note: Our generosity should never puff ourselves up or put someone else down. It should never be to exalt ourselves over someone else. Our generosity isn’t from us anyway, it is from God and we are merely the conduit and clerk He is going through.)

Why, when people have the opportunity to use their imagination, do they use it so badly?

But here I am, doing the same thing, because I’m imagining that the people on the other end of this guardianship process will be as ignorant and unhelpful as many that we’ve dealt with before.

You’re all safe, the Lord says. I’m right here with you. Nothing can threaten and harm you.

As a friend and pastor reminded me a few days ago as he prayed for us, the government is on His shoulders. The Lord’s not asking us to surrender anything to the government; we’re just surrendering to Him.

It’s a process that must be completed and endured. Knowing we are sheltered, safe from threat or invasion, and assigned to walk powerfully through it keeps us peaceful in the process.

So He’s teaching us to trust Him in new ways with the unexpected. We can trust Him even when we don’t trust ourselves or others. We can trust Him in our vulnerability, with surrendering to a process we would not have chosen but can expect Him to bring good out of, because He is our guardian: our keeper, protector, caregiver, champion, preserver, sentinel, and shepherd. And He’s showing us how to be more like Him.

Praying for you,

Shannon

P.S. If you need some deeper content on being burned, dealing with forgiveness and resentment, and/or you want to stop feeling threatened by those who have burned you, this is what we’re addressing in the February newsletter for premium subscribers, coming out in a few days. Upgrade for that here – there’s a free trial and also a reduced group rate. And if you need this content but it’s not in your budget right now (have you even SEEN the cost of groceries lately?!) just let me know and I’d love to comp your subscription for free, gratis.

Also! I made a little announcement recently and shared the first excerpt of my new book last week. That’s available to premium subscribers, too.

P.P.S. Links for you!