about time

We finally did something we’ve been looking forward to for weeks. We’ve been waiting for fall, with its cold days and hot tea, and then waiting to finish the book we were already reading (the last one in the Borrowers series, which was sorely disappointing – boo hiss) and then waiting for a quiet afternoon between work and school hours.

about time: what we do with the days we're given

But finally, it was time. We started reading Lord of the Rings to the kids. I would fist-pump the air in enthusiasm, but that would be decidedly non-Elvish.

There were rumors of strange things happening in the world outside; and as Gandalf had not at that time appeared or sent any message for several years, Frodo gathered all the news he could.

– J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

We have read it before, some of us more than once, but this is the first time all of us have read it aloud together. It is for fall – for starting in fall, at least – and then to revel in for the rest of the winter as we trek through all 1200-something pages on cold nights and snowy afternoons.

You probably know this story – the fate of Middle Earth rests on the destruction of the One Ring, and Frodo has it. He is a wealthy hobbit with a coveted home in the Shire, and he can refuse to take on the task and pass it on to someone else, or ignore all the signs and warnings and pretend life is just fine for as long as possible. But he accepts the mission (you knew that) and he goes all in – giving up his home, his community, and his comfort.

“I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo.

“So do I,” said Gandalf, “and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”

– J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

And we wish certain things hadn’t happened in our time, also. I wish I didn’t have to explain to our kids what abortion is, what human trafficking is, why their brother acts the way he does sometimes, or why their sister has misshapen toes and FAS. There are a million different whys I wish didn’t need explaining, and a million different missions I wish didn’t need funding. I wish they didn’t need to exist. But they do.

Would it be easier to not adopt? Not to give? Not to go? Not to follow the call He’s placed on us? Yes. Honestly? Heck, yes – but only in the short term. Long term, it would lead to destruction, and that short-term ease would be dearly paid for by those who are counting on us not to shrug our shoulders.

Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men.

– Philippians 2:4-7

Oh, my friends – you who have adopted, and then adopted again, have pivoted the direction and destiny of those kids, for good, forever. You who have slept on hard beds and eaten weird foods in a strange country have changed the future of that nation by bringing hope and healing. You who have emptied an account you were saving for a vacation in order to give to the hungry and heartbroken have planted seed that will grow, proliferate, and scatter.

Jesus, I pray for Your encouragement on those who have given up home, comfort, and community. I pray for wisdom, peace, and protection from doubt and misgiving, and victory in every battle. And I pray courage into and over those whom You have called, that they would not waver in their decision between easy and eternal.

Our hands, and many of yours, are in the mud all the way to our elbows. Our hands are dirty, the grit is under our nails, and we know we weren’t called to easy. We were called to abundance.

without ceasing button

This is day 23 of Without Ceasing: 31 Days of Relentless Prayer. Find the other posts here. To get new posts right in your inbox, subscribe here.

 

a path which few can tell

She says, “I ya you, mama,” and I’m not sure if she means it, or if she even knows what it means yet, but she hears it from us and feels safe to repeat it back, finally. It has taken two years.

And him…he waves. He smiles. I give him thumbs-up, and he gives thumbs-up back, instead of any equivalent to the middle finger, which is what we’re used to. He also has recently started saying “I love you” – and it was heart-meltingly sweet at first, but then we realized that aggressive or defiant behavior follows it every time. Now, it just puts us on alert.

a path which few can tell: praying for families on the front lines

So there is progress, but we are hard to please because we want it to be faster than two steps forward, 1.9 steps back. We are past the stage of not recognizing our home anymore, but not yet to the point of getting to go out of the house for dates yet. I have vague memories about our life before adoption, including certain things that made it possible for us to leave the house without children. Maybe you’ve heard of them – I think they’re called “babysitters?” – but I don’t think they exist anymore.

Yes, it’s still hard around here. But most days, we see light at the end of the tunnel and we’re pretty confident that it’s not an oncoming freight train. We’re starting to make headway, and the emotional trauma involved in fighting our childrens’ past no longer slays me like it used to. This was not always the case.

So Perseus started on his journey…and away through the moors and fens, day and night toward the bleak north-west, turning neither to the right hand nor the left, till he came to the Unshapen Land, and the place which has no name.

And seven days he walked through it, on a path which few can tell; for those who go there again in dreams are glad enough when they awake; till he came to the edge of the everlasting night, where the air was full of feathers, and the soil was hard with ice; and there at last he found the three Gray Sisters, by the shore of the freezing sea, nodding upon a white log of drift-wood, beneath the cold white winter moon; and they chanted a low song together, “Why the old times were better than the new.”

There was no living thing around them, not a fly, not a moss upon the rocks.

– Charles Kingsley, The Heroes

The journey often feels like the place which has no name.

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A dear friend of mine said this:

I told my husband just yesterday, “Adoption is the loneliest thing you will ever do,” and I wondered out loud why would God call people to adopt if it only leaves them feeling alone and isolated….an island in a world that pays little attention…and he said, “It is not God’s will that we are alone…it is a heart condition of our society.”

And I agree with both of them. I don’t think it’s an intentional heart condition, but an undiagnosed heart condition, made possible by the combination of decades of misinformation via the media, and a shallow culture that is discomfited by those who get their hands dirty because it threatens to mess up the manicures of the elite.

Deep breath. All this, with a broken coffee pot. I guess we should be grateful that this wasn’t a caffeinated post.

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 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.

– 2 Corinthians 1:3-

But friends, post-adoption depression…it’s real, and serious. It’s a different beast than post-partum or any other depression, and it comes with a myriad of its own mutilated griefs, but they’re all spawn of the same ugly monster. Life doesn’t go on hold for families who bring hurting children into their homes, and in many cases, they deal with drama and attack from several directions outside the home as well. If you know an adoptive/foster family, or a special needs family, or a family who falls into both categories (and many do) – for the love of all that is holy, pray for them.

If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.

– 2 Corinthians 1:6-7

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Jesus, we pray for your peace and patience and wisdom in homes that need you utterly right now. Adoptive families, special needs families, foster families, blended families, grieving families – come over each of them with Your Spirit, and flood their homes with peace and joy, unity and healing, that makes the enemy flee.

You have great days ahead for us. Your plans are good. You make beautiful things out of the dust. You make all things new.

The Unshapen Land…it’s not a place we linger or stay, but it has lessons to teach for those who trod the bleak path there. They come out wiser and well-armed to slay the monster, and finish the task before them.

________
This story is now told in Risk the Ocean: An Adoptive Mom’s Memoir of Sinking and Sanctification.

from just outside the bleep-bloop room

The last time people gave me questions to answer in a blog post, you guys (you know who you are) delivered seven questions ranging from easy-peasy to tough as nails. That was about a year ago, so I’m feeling brave again…and also, these looked easier.

from just outside the bleep-bloop room: behind the screen at Copperlight Wood

Here goes. Each blogger asks a few blogging friends to share their answers to the following four questions in a blog post.

1) What am I working on/writing?

Right now, an eBook version of the Upside Down series. I hoped to have it out in May or June-ish, but stalled because of trying (or, to be honest, not trying) to figure out how to make it easily downloadable from the website. Turns out it’s pretty simple, but technology makes me nervous and I didn’t want to go into the cyber back room of the website, where the walls are covered with dials, buttons, and lights flashing. The bleep-bloop room scares me.

It’s probably because I can barely work an iPod. I do like electricity – I use a flat iron on my hair. It has two buttons, easy. Coffee pot? One button, perfect. But the TV/VCR/DVD nightmare with three separate remotes? You’ve got to be kidding. Completely hopeless, don’t even ask me how to turn it on. I think it needs plugged in first.

After Upside Down is launched, there are a couple of other, bigger projects that will quickly move from the backburner to the front burner. More on those later…

2) How does my work/writing differ from others of its genre?

Ten minutes of typing and deleting and I still don’t have a good answer for this. Unless there’s a specific class for non-fiction adoptive homeschooling bookish Alaskan slightly-crafty increasingly-crunchy mommy devotional blogs, I guess I’m not organized enough to focus on a genre. So I cheated and asked Vince. He said, “You show humor in the details of everyday life that most people don’t think of, and you reveal honest pain at a level that most people would be afraid of writing about.” He’s completely biased and doesn’t read any other blogs by women. Love him.

Aside from abusing sentence fragments, one thing that might really be considered different in my writing is that I think and write in analogies. He speaks to me in symbolism, and I love writing about what He teaches me when life’s minutiae means more than it seems to on the surface.

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3) Why do I write what I do?

(cough) Because it’s cheaper than bail?

Besides that, the details of motherhood are worth having their moment of glory. The reality of post-adoption life deserves even more awareness and compassion than the dramatic adoption process that occurs before the kids even come home. Jesus speaks into the mundane minutes of our workday instead of just the pews for an hour on Sunday, and when I neglect writing them down (here or wherever), I feel like I’ve lost something that I should have kept.

When I am feeling unsure about my writing, it is not because I am worried about the difference between adult and juvenile fiction, but because I am worrying that I am neglecting other responsibilities, and so misusing my freedom; I’ve gone through periods of confusion and downright stupidity. It was our eldest child, with her remarkable ability to see accept what is, who said to me a good many years ago, “Mother, you’ve been getting cross and edgy with us and you haven’t been doing much writing. We wish you’d get back to the typewriter.”

– Madeleine L’Engle, A Circle Of Quiet

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4) How does my writing process work?

Throughout the day I scribble illegible words and thoughts in my planner or notebooks, but most real writing happens late at night until the hour hand is pointing at single digits. When I’m at the computer, I look at those notes and a theme emerges. I’d love to say it all just flows out, but it almost never does (this post did, though). Regular blog posts and articles are never completely thought out, figured out, or planned beforehand, and more than once I’ve gotten to the end of a piece thinking I was about finished and then realized with great vexation and gnashing of teeth that it needed to go an entirely different direction.

A writer is someone for whom writing is much more difficult than it is for other people.

– Thomas Mann

I get stuck and give it more time, more tea, more space…in other words, procrastinate…or I’ll take a shower, which is sure to produce an amazing solution because it is the only place I have nothing to write with.

With the exception of the 31 Days series from last October, I spend several nights and rewrites on every piece, and the final message usually feels like it’s just snuck up on me. If He doesn’t surprise me, it’s probably a lame post.

To be an artist means to approach the light, and that means to let go our control, to allow our whole selves to be placed with absolute faith in that which is greater than we are. The novel we sit down to write and the one we end up writing may be very different, just as the Jesus we grasp and the Jesus who grasps us may also differ.

– Madeleine L’Engle, Walking on Water

Let me introduce you to three friends of mine, fellow artists approaching the light:

patty

Patty is married to her beloved surfer husband and she educates her two sons at home. Her writing is transparent and heartfelt, chatty and beautiful. She writes at Hearts Homeward.

kathy

Kathy is a full-time artist in Arizona, and her blog is a lovely tour of watercolors, ranch living, desert wildlife, and honest thoughts. She is also an awesome adoptive grandma. Kathy writes (and paints) at Tapestry 316.

cynthia

Cynthia is a fellow homeschooling, business-owning adoptive mama. She is fiesty, funny, and also the reason that my friend Kathy (above) is an adoptive grandma, because she is her daughter. I think somehow I must be related to them, though we haven’t been able to prove it yet. Cynthia writes at Cultivated Graftings.

I hope you love perusing their blogs. I’m going to storm the bleep-bloop room, armed with coffee, and wrest an eBook out of it.