Category Archives: mothering

rattle my cage: learning what we’re made of when our safe places are shaken

Posted on by December 13, 2024

Snowy gloves pounded the window while the kids played outside. I overheard Vince yell, “We don’t hit windows!” and someone’s answering protest, “I wasn’t hitting, I was knocking!”

And here, friends, is the irony: We survived a 7.2 earthquake with no major structural damage, only to almost lose windows to children beating on them with Gortex mittens.

rattle my cage: learning what we're made of when our safe places are shaken

Local schools shut down for a while from all the damage, but the earthquake happened on a Friday morning and our homeschooled kids fretted all day about finishing their assignments for the week. I tried to talk to them about priorities – we were all alive, people were working to get the power back on, and everyone we knew was safe. As we waded through debris I kept telling them, for crying out loud, earthquakes are educational – you might forget half the stuff you read last week, but you’ll never forget living through this. You never forget learning that your shelters and safe places can be shaken.

I’ll never forget the feeling of being sifted as the house shook east-west, hearing the ground rumble and the walls rattle and glass and pottery shattering everywhere. I’ll never forget jumping out of bed, racing upstairs to find five of the kids on their beds, then running back down two flights of stairs to check on the other two kids, only one of whom was there. I have no idea how I made it up and down all the stairs while nine months pregnant and the house was still shaking. I’ll never forget seeing the entire west wall of library shelving slanted across the room, books smeared knee-high and spilling across stairs and entryway, and wondering if a cat was buried underneath.

We found the cats, all safe, all hiding under the kids’ beds. We found the kid who was missing; he ran outside when the shaking started. And we found the toilet upstairs, our only significant damage, cracked off its bolts on the tile floor — though the antique mirror and framed prints in the same bathroom were still hanging on the walls, just fine.

Early labor (which can last for weeks) started here around the same time as the earthquake. And it’s weird going into labor as aftershocks diminish; it’s like the earthquake in reverse. Contractions increase in intensity to the final, long-expected big event, while the earthquake shocked us in its suddenness and then decrescendoed to these little shakers that we mostly don’t even feel anymore.

Just in time, we officially decided on spelling Kavanagh with no U, in spite of the overwhelming results in our highly scientific polls on social media.  I almost had it – with a U, I mean – arguing with Vince that this isn’t the first baby we’ve given a last name as a first name to, and we didn’t arbitrarily remove vowels for Chamberlain or Reagan just because they seemed extraneous. And since the man is already familiar with Google, Wiki, and Justice Kavanaugh, I went to the next highest authority on the name I could think of: The Mitford series.

It’s the main character’s last name, and I thought, This will prove the spelling without a doubt, no contest. I’ve read this series all the way through twice – once when Vincent was a baby and again when I was pregnant with Afton – and then blew through some of the books again this year as comfort reading during the gruesome months of morning sickness. I know these stories and characters; this series remains the only modern fiction that I truly love.

So I grabbed one of the books off the shelf, confident of winning my case. Turned the pages. Skimmed the lines. Looked for it…hold on just a minute…lo and behold:

Kavanagh. No U.

WHAT.

Well, I’ll be et fer a tater.

I wanted to put more effort into walking him out in those weeks of early labor but a round-ligament-snappy-action prevented it, in league with a hip socket on strike that kept sending me in a slow melt to the floor without warning. (Yay forties!) So instead of causing alarming scenes in public, I made myself useful by staying home for two weeks and making pitiful requests to people around me: Can you bring me water? Can I have the orange yarn and the blue tape measure? Can you put on my socks?

Vin came over, picked up the pair of socks I brought with me, and briefly inspected them before he threw one of them back on the couch and started putting the other one on my foot.

“What, you don’t like that other sock?” I asked him.

“It’s the wrong one,” he answered, wrestling this one up my ankle, angling the heel just right and straightening the toes.

I know where he’s going with this; it’s one of our oldest arguments. For 22 years, since our college days when we first shacked up in Anchorage, he’s tried to convince me that Socks Are Not Interchangeable. Socks, he says, go on certain feet.

“See?” He holds the other one up. “The big toe is longer on this one, so it goes on this foot.” He commences wrestling that one, too, and I can see that he’s sort of, kind of, maybe a little bit right, though I’d never admit it to his face.

But this neediness and confinement also shook my safe places. I know labor and birth; this is our sixth delivery. We like to think that experience prepares us for what to expect. And sometimes it does.

But other times, it deceives us – not because our expectations are wrong, but because, however much it is, our experience still isn’t enough. Our expectations might not be big enough. Our endeavors might be too safe, or our safe places might be too small. Our priorities might be too narrow, focused on marking tasks off our lists and missing the fact that we can do truly hard things; we can live through and thrive in far more than we give ourselves credit for.

God has been preparing us for familiarity to take a flying leap for a long time. Last Christmas, when we didn’t know where He was sending us, He said, When you find yourself where you never thought you’d be, I’m positioning you for something you never could have planned. He kept saying, It’s a surprise, Love. Sometimes the surprise starts off with a shaking.

And then in April when we knew big changes were ahead but didn’t know Kavanagh was one of them, He said, You know how to do this, you’ve done it before. You’ve just never seen it like this. And we’ve been trying to roll with all of the surprises ever since.

So at 3am one morning, when early labor suddenly looked less like aftershocks and more like the big event, and the prospect of waking seven kids up to go to two different places in the middle of the night seemed so much harder than just having a friend come over and letting everyone else sleep, we rolled with that, too. After months of planning on a homebirth at the lighthouse, we threw out that plan and drove to the birth center in the wee hours of the morning. Just like we did for our last two babies.

The highway was snowy, the sky was dark; the midwives had the tub running when we got there because they knew how fast it went last time. And they knew the story of the one kid who was supposed to be a waterbirth but ended up being delivered on the bed while the tub was still filling, before the assistant arrived.

That, too, was the end of familiarity, because no matter how many times you’ve done this or what patterns you’ve come to expect, there’s no guarantee you won’t get your cage rattled. And I did. All our birth experiences have gotten easier and faster, except this one.

And “labor” doesn’t come close to expressing the amount of work and travail put into birthing a human…or anything else. We use the word so much that it has lost its impact as we gloss over the clawing, writhing pain of turning yourself inside out to do the work of bringing something (or someone) into the world.

The heat was terrible. She felt scorched to the bone, but it did not touch her strength. It grew hotter and hotter. She said, “I can bear it no longer.” Yet she went on.

– George MacDonald, The Golden Key

He is our stability, with us, among us, upon us in the heat and the friction and the shaking, regardless of what everything looks like around us or feels like within us.

After twenty-three hours of off-and-on that eventually progressed to hours of hard labor, we met the one we’ve been waiting for. And he is so worth it.

So often we give up on opportunity or calling because we think, I could never do that. That is for other people, stronger people, bigger people, people who are different from me. But what we really mean is, I don’t want my world to be shaken. Our excuse is our inadequacy but what really stops us is fear, or laziness, or a combination of the two.

Because labor is work, and shaking, and life-changing. We pooh-pooh ourselves while putting those who do bigger, harder things on a pedestal, while God wants us to see what we are really made of. We want a simple to-do list, a school chart of basic assignments to check off. But God calls many of us to the earthquake and the aftermath, saying, Hey Love, you have no idea what you’re capable of.

You’ll never forget living through this.

______

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under pressure: staying ahead when the chase is on

Posted on by June 16, 2023

Eight months pregnant, which means thirty-six weeks down, and four (maybe) to go. I’m at the clumsy stage, and I don’t mean cute-clumsy – I mean, I am JarJar Binks playing Pin the Tail on the Donkey after drinking three shots of espresso spiked with whiskey. I can barely put on socks without help, and attempting to put shoes or pants on while standing up is now prohibited.

under pressure: staying ahead when the chase is on

We’re also at the stage where the general public feels free to let loose with comments like, “Wow, you have got to be overdue by now” and “It doesn’t look like you could possibly get any bigger” and other thoughtful, sensitive, encouraging insights. But that’s okay, because it coincided with me losing my filter around the same time, and I don’t mind responding like an old woman who has lost all sense of manners, tact, and decorum…and let’s be honest, those already aren’t my strong suits. Sometimes the snark flies fast and furious.

Example: “Wow, this is your eighth child!! Don’t you know how that happens?”

Well, yes – 21 years of a (mostly) rocking marriage. Do you have any idea how many times we haven’t gotten pregnant? Thousands. Bless your heart…

But it’s a season of speeding up when it seems like things ought to be slowing down. We ought to be resting, nesting, and preparing before Kavanagh comes, but his birth coincides with the holidays and book launches and accelerating ministry. And none of those things are negotiables that fall into the “everything is permissible for me, but not all things are beneficial” category – they’re all good and necessary right now.

Everyone was much too tired to speak or eat. The Horses, without waiting to be unsaddled, lay down at once. So did Aravis and Shasta.

About ten minutes later the careful Hwin said, “But we mustn’t go to sleep. We’ve got to keep ahead of that Rabadash.”

‘No,” said Bree very slowly. “Mustn’t go to sleep. Just a little rest.”

– C.S. Lewis, The Horse and His Boy

This is my favorite of the Narnia books; I don’t know how many times I’ve read it or how many times I’ve quoted it in posts, chapters, and teachings. This is the story that speaks to me about His Presence in all of our seasons. And here, the two Humans and the two Horses are running ahead of an evil army, to bring warning in time to a kingdom that doesn’t know it is under attack.

“P-please,” said Hwin, very shyly, “I feel just like Bree that I can’t go on. But when Horses have humans (with spurs and things) on their backs, aren’t they often made to go on when they’re feeling like this? And then they find they can. I m-mean – oughtn’t we to be able to do more even, now that we’re free? It’s all for Narnia.”

And here, God is working on my expectations and shifting my paradigms of what ought to be, as things continue to ramp up even when we’d normally take it all down several notches.

….In reality she was quite right, and if Bree had had a Tarkaan on his back at that moment to make him go on, he would have found that he was good for several hours’ hard going. But one of the worst results of being a slave and being forced to do things is that when there is no one to force you any more you find you have almost lost the power of forcing yourself.

We often think that even the presence of pressure is wrong. My train of thought usually runs something like this: If I feel pressure, that means I’m stressed, and if I’m stressed, it means I’m not calm, and if I’m not calm, I’m not trusting God, and if I’m not trusting God, I must be fearful. It eventually equates pressure with fear or sin. But what if that’s not always the truth?

“I hope we’re in time,” murmured Hwin.

Then they began going up, slowly and zigzagging a good deal, for the hills were steep….

“Hullo!” he said suddenly. “What’s that?”

“What’s what?” said Bree, turning round. Hwin and Aravis did the same.

“That,” said Shasta, pointing. “It looks like smoke. Is it a fire?”

“Sand-storm, I should say,” said Bree.

“Not much wind to raise it,” said Aravis.

“Oh!” exclaimed Hwin. “Look! There are things flashing in it. Look! They’re helmets – and armor. And it’s moving: moving this way.”

“By Tash!” said Aravis. “It’s the army. It’s Rabadash.”

“Of course it is,” said Hwin. “Just what I was afraid of. Quick! We must get to Anvard before it.”

We tend to interpret pressure as a lack of faith, or poor planning – and sometimes it is those things, but not always. Not right now in this season we’re in. Because sometimes the pressure is there to provide safety and margin so we can relax and rest later, so that having done all, we can stand.

This race was very grueling for the Horses. As they topped each ridge they found another valley and another ridge beyond it; and though they knew they were going in more or less the right direction, no one knew how far it was to Anvard….

“Quick! Quick!” shouted Aravis. “We might as well not have come at all  if we don’t reach Anvard in time. Gallop, Bree, gallop. Remember you’re a war horse.”

….And certainly both Horses were doing, if not all they could, all they thought they could; which is not quite the same thing.

We experience pressure in labor so we can deliver our babies. We go through pressure in labor to deliver anything else, also.

He’s teaching me to abide hard amid the increase in activity. To take every component and event and non-negotiable to Him, one thing at a time, and ask Him about it – keeping short accounts to continually communicate and hear His will in what to do.

At that moment everyone’s feelings were completely altered by a sound from behind. It was not the sound they had been expecting to hear – the noise of hoofs and jingling armor, mixed, perhaps, with Calormene battle-cries. Yet Shasta knew it at once. It was the same snarling roar he had heard that moonlit night when they first met Aravis and Hwin. Bree knew it too…And Bree now discovered that he had not really been going as fast – not quite as fast – as he could.

Seasons of pressure are no time to take things for granted, and we’re learning (again) to depend on Him and abide at a deeper level than we otherwise would if it was a more comfortable, slow time. It’s not that we’re not resting. But we’re not resting as much as we normally would.

 “It’s not fair,” thought Shasta. “I did think we’d be safe from lions here!”

He looked over his shoulder. Everything was only too clear. A huge tawny creature, its body low to the ground…was behind them. And it was nearer every second and half second.

In our house, in this season, we are writing, formatting, and finalizing the Companion Journal to Oh My Soul, and praying, discipling, and ministering. We are finishing a term of homeschool and pushing through a few last deadlines before December, when early labor will probably start in earnest. And amid All The Things, we’ll get a Christmas tree and lights up, spend days and evenings with friends, and nest the house into a frenzy as we prepare for a homebirth here at the Lighthouse.

And in your house, you’re doing All The Things, too. The trick is not to get out of as many things as possible, or to do as many things as possible, but to do everything He calls us to in His perfect time…which is often different from what we expect. Sometimes, harder than we expect. And sometimes, faster than we expect.

The Lion chases them and spurs them faster to safety; without His pressure they never would have made it in time.

He is the same Lion who chases us. Every time we’ve run with Him, we’ve been right on time. He’s leading us to birth and new life so we can rout and vanquish the enemy.

____

Related: How do we deal with the pressure and still find margin, creating a sustainable culture of rest and refilling? The November newsletter is all about this and it comes out next week. Subscribe here if you need to.

overtaken: what happens when we let go in surrender

Posted on by October 17, 2022

I didn’t know exactly where to put among non-fiction categories; it’s equal parts memoir, devotional, parenting, and snark. But it’s 100% lifeblood, poured out in manuscript form.

Vin quit his job in May after two months of revelation, preparation and planning. Three days before his last day at work we found out we were pregnant with our eighth kiddo, and there was no going back.

overtaken: what happens when we let go in surrender

The manna ceased. Stopped. All done, finis. There was no going back, no back-up plan – the water was rushing in the Jordan River behind them, and in front of them was a fortified city to conquer. In between, they were all in.

And this is where we’ve lived for the last five months. Learning publishing, distribution, formatting, cover design, formatting, even blankety-blank page numbers. Doing the homeschooling, ministry, morning sickness, home repairs, research, the whole shebang, all the stuff, any seventy hours of the week we want. We’ve been living the dream, but the dream is a ton of work.

We’ve swung up and down the spectrum of, “Oh, God, how can we do this?” to “Oh my word, I think it’s working!” and back again to “I have no idea what to do and I hate this part.” YouTube tutorials were made for such a time as this.

Maybe if the manna had kept coming, some of them might have thought to go back to the river, hoping that God would hold back the water again and let them return. But no, this was a sharp knife, cutting off any hesitation to obey – no manna meant they were invested, they were staying, and the only direction they were going was forward.

And my life needs this. A commitment I need to let go of, an unhealthy relationship that needs firm boundaries, that threshold I need to walk through: I’ve been using the blunt edge of a knife to whack at them every once in a while, but those things have been on the cutting board for a long time. Probably way too long, and we’re not getting anywhere.

Turn it over, He tells me. And I squirm a little about it, but He’s right there, saying, Don’t hesitate to obey, Love. You are invested, you are staying, the only direction you’re going is forward.

Before we were able to turn it over full time, we turned it over in weeks at a time, whenever Vince could take a chunk of time off work long enough to make some progress forward.

Vince took two weeks off so I could work on a special project while he homeschooled the kids. I cloistered upstairs in the Thinkery – just a small table by a window, covered in books, papers, a laptop, and a full pot of chai tea containing about 10 cups of caffeinated goodness.

This particular project was part of Vince and Shannon’s Christmas List that we wrote in the fall, and completing it directly related to obeying Him with the sharp knife and stepping through the threshold. But I’d been putting it off for over a year, and God sat me down for a talk.

He told me He had something wonderful for me if I would just hold out my hands and accept it. The problem was I was already holding onto something else, and I didn’t want to let go.

And He was patient with me – because He is like that – and He said, Whenever you’re ready for it, Love. But how long do you really want to wait for Me to bless you with this?

I realized I was being an idiot and stopped dragging my feet. I let go, grabbed hold, and hung on.

– Oh My Soul

Oh My Soul proof

I’ve learned since then that letting go happens in phases. He was preparing us then for what He offered last spring – and the letting go we did last spring was the sharp knife preparing us for whatever is ahead.

Hemingway said, “There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.” And he’s right, though I recently read a book where the author trashed Hemingway because he misunderstood, thinking he was saying that writing is easy (sarcasm is totally lost on some people). He proceeded to argue for the same thing Hemingway actually meant, making it obvious that not only did he miss the point, but he rehashed it with more bumbling and less power.

Maybe he could’ve said it better if he’d bled more. Because rattling off a ton of words is one thing, but pouring out your lifeblood onto paper (or screen) for the world to see, judge, and interpret, well…there’s nothing easy about that.

But it’s good.

I went through some old journal entries last week, and came across this one that had been flagged with a yellow sticky note since I wrote it back in July of 2017:

And all these blessings shall come upon you and overtake you, if you obey the voice of the Lord your God.

– Deuteronomy 28:2, ESV

Overtake. As in, catch up to you from behind, and go ahead of you. Those things you’ve striven for without seeing fruit – those blessings will catch up and go farther than you expect when you are faithful to obey.

I just laid Finn down for his nap, pulling the door shut behind me so the light wouldn’t wake him up. I watched his fluffy blond head disappear in the darkness and I covered him with his blanket.

And I knew he was there though I couldn’t see him.

I touched his forehead in the blackness and he was just as real as when the door was open and the light spilled in.

And God said, Those things you can’t see, that fruit you’ve been praying for, is just as real as Finnegan. The healing for your kids. The healing in your hearts. The writing career, the new home with space for kids who need it, having Vince home and doing work and ministry together – it’s just as real, even though you haven’t seen it yet. It’s just as real as this baby sleeping in his dark room. You can touch him and prove to yourself that what your eyes can’t see is still real.

Keep praying for what you can’t see, He said. Soon the light will come on and you’ll be amazed with what’s been there all along, waiting to emerge with vivid color and beauty.

And now we do see it – or, most of it, at least. Six months after I wrote that, we moved into the Lighthouse, two months later we found out Vince could quit his job to write full time, and as of this week, we’ve each published one of those books that spent years on the back burner. We’re seeing glimpses of healing and growth in our kids who desperately need it. We are working together, and last month we also started doing ministry together in ways we never expected.

It doesn’t look like what we dreamed of, or even what we planned for. And no, it doesn’t look opulent or magazine-perfect – but it looks like He’s had His hand upon us in ways that we never realized.

It looks like the threshold He asked us about several years ago.

A couple of weeks ago I was in the beginning of Acts, and read this:

He said to them, “It is not for you to know times or seasons that the Father has fixed by his own authority. But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth.”

– Acts 1:7-8, ESV

And then I wrote about it on social media and heard God clearly say, “Do you want the plan? Or do you want power?” 

I have so badly wanted to know the times and seasons – but I am learning to bleed in surrender. When I don’t, I bumble over too many of my own words and miss the point in my efforts to control the blessing. And there’s nothing wrong with planning or preparing when it’s anchored in surrender – but He’s teaching me that, if given the choice between knowing the plan or having the power, I want power every time.

And that’s nothing to be ashamed of or shy about, because when we choose surrender over control, it’s what He wants for us, too.

______

Oh My Soul: Encountering God in Honest, Unconventional (and Sometimes Messy) Prayer is now available here on our site and everywhere books are sold.