in pieces: why we need to remember we are the Beloved

It happened when a six-year-old was crawling on the kitchen counter to get a cup out of the cabinet. She slipped and dropped the cup, which landed on several other dishes next to the sink, including Vince’s favorite mug…the handle of which immediately broke into three pieces. Did I mention it was handmade pottery?

in pieces: why we need to remember we are the Beloved

She knew it was her fault – an accident, a sad loss, but not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things. But when it came to apologizing, something flipped.

“I didn’t break it!” she insisted. Technically, this was (sort of) true…the cup she dropped is what did the breaking. And yet she was the one who dropped it.

We went round and round with the logic of this, but the real battle wasn’t logic. The real battle was two-fold, part of which was admitting the truth — because if we admit the truth we must also admit responsibility for our part in it. The other part was fear clouding her identity, and she forgot that she is more valuable to us than a broken dish.

Sometimes we need to be reminded that we’re the Beloved so we can be secure enough to face the truth.

It’s imperative that we teach this to our kids. If we don’t, we’ll end up raising a generation of middle-aged juveniles who would rather be willfully out of touch with reality than admit their own mistakes. And we really don’t need any more of those.

Avoiding truth and responsibility are both rooted in fear, and given enough time they distill into narcissism. We think of narcissism as something that values self over others to an extreme measure, but the truth is that it’s the essence of insecurity.

And our culture is full of it. We diminish our own value out of insecurity, and then entirely eliminate the value of others in self-defense. Like a bully who picks on the weak to hide his own fear, the nation that justifies slaughter and harvesting of body parts for scientific advancement is a nation steeped in its own self-loathing.

We don’t need to look to ISIS for atrocity. We have evidence of the most barbaric acts on video, in our country, against our most vulnerable, for profit, with the backing of an inflated government and a culture drunk on its own narcissism and insecurity.

It’s not that these videos show how wrong abortion is – abortion is wrong whether it is done for profit or not, whether it happens in the third trimester or not, whether the baby is wanted or not. What these videos reveal is how debased we are as a culture that it takes something this barbaric to wake us up to the evil of it.

If we deny what is so clearly shown here, we are willfully out of touch with reality – because if we admit the truth, we must also admit that we are responsible.

Our culture is responsible. Our silence is responsible. Our turning away, not wanting to be made uncomfortable, is responsible.

And I want to say, I’m sorry. We have dropped it, we have caused breaking, we have allowed a culture to grow up around us that divides the unborn into pieces for profit, and doesn’t even care if the heart is still beating or not.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

While no life is perfect, every life is beautiful and has purpose beyond being relegated to a bunch of line items for Planned Parenthood.

Sometimes we need to be reminded that we are the Beloved. You, reading this. Me, typing this.

This one, with this face.

face

photo source

He was only six months younger than this one, with this face.

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We see a culture rising up out of this that knows what it is to take responsibility. We see generations who are willing to look reality in the face and say No more of this, not on our watch. We see families and churches stepping in to do more than say they are pro-life but are also showing that they are pro-child – adopting, fostering, providing, and praying. We have a culture that is moving from the relative comfort of shaking their heads in disgust over headlines to stepping into the front lines to stand up for children, born and unborn.

When we know we are the Beloved, we’re not afraid of the truth. Insecurity is no match for people who know they are image-bearers. And those who recognize their own value are those who also value the lives of others – not as a commodity for personal gain, but a person with inherent value — because they are also the Beloved.

to-do list

June, and almost 37 weeks. Everything summer is happening here: sprinklers, popsicles, heat waves, wildfires. Forget-me-nots blooming by Sophie’s grave, starflowers and dogwood, star-shaped tiger lilies almost ready to bud. Dinner is dandelion fritters, and pasta salad with peas and chickweed.

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We are hurry-up-and-waiting, slowly plugging through our summer term, getting over colds, and purging closets.

Lately we spend most afternoons outside, but a few weeks ago we sat on the couch during a rainy spell and did this sweet survey that was flooding social media. The instructions were something like, Ask your child these questions, write down their age and what they say, and try not to laugh so hard that you choke on your coffee.

How old is your mom?

Chamberlain, age five – Twenty-something. (haha!!)

Iree, age eleven – Thirty-nine or thirty-eight. (yes, one of those)

Afton, age nine – Thirty-nine. (but not that one)

How tall is your mom?

C – Taller than Mattie. (wrong)

I – Less than five feet. (wrong again)

A – I dunno…five or six feet? (Close enough. Give a broad enough answer, and you’re a winner!)

What is her favorite thing to do?

C – Eat cookies with a baby in her tummy.

I – Drink coffee with Dad.

A – Um, maybe ask us questions? (sarcasm runs very deep in our family)

What does your mom do when you’re not around?

I – Kiss Dad.

C – She cries.

A – I dunno because I’m not there. (logic runs very deep in our family, too)

The evenings are normal, mostly. Which means we still spend the first two or three hours after bedtime sending kids back to bed in between drinks for water, trips to the bathroom, and sudden appearances of ailments that did not bother them during the 12 hours previous to bedtime. The main difference is that now I make as many trips to the bathroom as all of the kids do combined, and we’ve decided we could probably never live in a house with less than three toilets.

What is something mom always says to you?

C – She calls me Bunny.

I – “Drink water.”

A, frowning – “Wash your hands.” (at this point he decided not to answer all of these pesky questions)

What is your mom really good at?

C – Keeping chocolate off her face when she eats cookies. (I’ve had some practice at this)

What is your mom not very good at?

C – She’s not very good at zipping her coat because Finnegan’s too big.

Where is your mom’s favorite place to go?

C – To sit on the couch and drink coffee with dad.

A – To bed.

I – To STAY in bed.

These kids are brilliant. I thought for sure they’d say “church” or “Kaladis” or “Hatcher Pass” for places I like to go, but no…they know me better than I know myself.

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What does your mom like most about your dad?

C – She likes him because he helps with babies and she loves babies.

A – ‘Cause he makes coffee.

I – She says he’s a stud.

(all true)

How tall is your dad?

C – He’s, like, about as tall as the ceiling.

I – More than five feet.

A – Six feet, maybe?

What was your dad like as a child?

C – He loved his mom. (Still true. She’s a pretty great lady.)

What makes dad sad?

C – When he has to work and paint. If he had to paint the whole inside of the house, it would make him cry. (probably true)

We still haven’t settled on a middle name for Finnegan yet. I haven’t finished his blanket yet. I feel woefully unprepared in so many ways and actually had a moment of panic the other day wondering if I had (ahem) appropriate birthing undergarments and such. Those. You know.

We need to pack our grab-and-go bag. We need to choose the wee little outfit to bring him home in. We need to paint, in spite of the trauma this may cause my husband.

And we’re still not sure where to put that yoga ball.

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What is your dad really good at?

C – Touching the ceiling. (which is a good thing, considering those painting projects)

I – Making me happy.

C – Yep. That’s true. He made you special and he loves you very much.

I – GOD made me special…

What makes you proud of your dad?

C – Because he loves me and he made me special…

I – He makes sure that we let mom sleep.

What do you and your dad do together?

C – We um, we go…drive to places and get slushies…and drive back home…and then go outside on a nice sunny day…slurp, slurp.

What is his favorite thing to do?

C – Sit with you and drink coffee.

I – Yep. Sit with you and drink coffee.

C – Huh. There’s a lot of coffee in here.

We need to slow down and speed up all at once – we need to rest on the couch with coffee and each other, and then run to the store and buy necessary postpartum supplies. We need to spend time with each of the kids in rambling talks and prayerful questions. But we should probably also teach them how to order pizza.

We need to decide urgent necessary things, like…who will stay with our kids during the birth? What music should we bring for labor and delivery? And, oh my goodness, hold on just a minute – what color should I paint my toenails??

Just kidding.

I mean, I can’t even reach my toenails. That’s another painting job for Vince.

slow going: a case for resisting the rush to do it all

This is weeks in the making. Like almost everything else lately, blog posts are slow going — two paragraphs at a time, about four nights a week – and from my station on the couch I can see dishes overcrowding the kitchen counter that I haven’t taken care of yet. There’s some folded laundry on the back of the other couch that still needs to be taken upstairs. A zillion other little things probably need to be done but I refuse to think too hard about them — we’ve reached the stage of Take It Easy And Don’t Get Too Ambitious, For Crying Out Loud.

Or if you prefer, the British version:

KEEP CALM

IT’S THE THIRD TRIMESTER

There’s this silly little fantasy I’ve had forever. Chalk it up to reading too many L.M. Montgomery books in adolescence, but I’ve always longed to have our beds covered in handmade quilts and afghans. Not store-bought, not mass-produced, not matchy-matchy trendy designs that will be out-of-date in less than five years (hello, chevron). Just handmade, homemade, cozy goodness.

It has yet to happen. The only beds in our family that have ever been covered in hand-stitched virtue are cribs and toddler beds, and since most of us don’t fit in those anymore, there’s still a lot of stitching to do. I’ve had three blankets in progress for about six years. I might just make it before our oldest graduates and moves out…but won’t hold my breath.

slow going: a case for resisting the rush to do it all

He’s starting high school. I have no idea how that happened.

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We school year-round and our summer term just started: Twain, Tozer, Tennyson. Kim by Kipling. Life of Fred and lots of writing. Beatrix Potter and Mother Goose; language arts and language therapy. Nature study and sewing and robotics, oh my. This is all happening.

But it’s not happening at a frenetic, must-get-it-all-done, no-time-to-smell-the-roses pace. It’s gradual, not graded; slow, not sloppy. It is often outside, or under the blanket fort, or all over the kitchen table, or in the garden, as we go.

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It’s no rush. One of the beauties of the year-round routine is that learning is a lifestyle, opposed to the whiplash of longer days packed with schoolwork for months at a time interspersed with weeks of (relatively) empty leisure that several of our kids (and honestly, myself) just have a really hard time with. We need the consistency of shorter school days with more free time. I don’t think we do more or less than other homeschoolers who have a more traditional schedule; we just spread it out a little more evenly – like jam on toast, versus jam on a waffle.

(oh…waffles…)

But either way the schedule runs, this lifetime of learning never feels done, and we’re tempted to feel constantly behind because there are always more subjects, more books, more things to try, than there is time for. Like making a postage stamp quilt by hand for a king-sized bed, it’s practically never ending and meant to be that way. If we were looking for a quick fix we’d be less interested in the process and more interested in just slapping two sheets together and buzzing them together by machine, all matchy-matchy…which is strangely similar to what happens in many places where bureaucracy trumps the joy of learning.

slow going collage

Learning kindles more learning, like rows of stitches built on the rows before – one day at a time, one page at a time, one stitch at a time.

A child . . . must have a living relationship with the present, its historic movement, its science, literature, art, social needs and aspirations. In fact, he must have a wide outlook, intimate relations all round; and force, virtue, must pass out of him, whether of hand, will, or sympathy, wherever he touches. This is no impossible programme.

– Charlotte Mason, School Education, p. 161-2

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It doesn’t look the same for each kid. One of our daughters goes outside with the Alaska Wild Plants book to identify young growing things in her journal, but we have other kiddos who just want to play in the dirt and climb trees – no inspirational sketchbooks, no field guilds, and may the good Lord help you if you even think of mentioning the phrase “nature study” – but if given enough room, these same kids will surprise us with an accurate and detailed hand-drawn map of our yard and house.

I can’t take credit for those things. I’ve tried to assign projects like them before, and from the wailing and gnashing of teeth that ensued, you’d think I’d told the kids we were all going to have our molars extracted without anesthesia.

In the spirit of choosing our battles, I’ve learned (slowly) that they need room to come up with most of these projects and ideas on their own. The very same kid who made this such a painfully clear lesson recently spelled out all the differences between Mayans, Aztecs, and Incas — who have blurred fuzzily for me since elementary school — and I asked him how he knew so much. He said he read about them from a book that’s been on his brother’s bed – not an assigned book, not for school, just for perusing. No assignments, no narration, no pressure. No wailing and gnashing of teeth.

He’s the one entering high school with a year of early algebra credit already under his belt. And I am so proud of him, but we’re not learning for credits or bragging rights or degrees.

We’re learning because He made us to grow and seek Him out. We find Him in science, in literature, in relationships, in the slow and steady pursuit of stitching life together. It is the glory of God to conceal a matter; to search out a matter is the glory of kings. 

And it takes lots of timeThe dishes can wait.

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