broken open

Vin and I are making a late dinner after the kids are in bed, and I’m stirring cream into béchamel sauce – which sounds impressive, but I’m pretty sure “béchamel” is just French for “stupid-easy white sauce.” Cream, flour, salt, butter. A dash of nutmeg. Stir ‘til thickened, and done. One pretentious recipe calls for 35 minutes of stirring, but…ain’t nobody got time for that.

broken open: the beauty of friendships formed by pressure and fire

If I were really trying to impress you, I’d tell you we ate it over sandwiches with an equally fancy-sounding French name: croque madame. But in all honesty (and because I think it’s funny) I’d also tell you that the undignified-sounding translation of that is “Miss Crunchy.” Snort.

It’s a ham and cheese sandwich with a fried egg and stupid-easy white sauce. That’s basically it. We can split hairs over the type of bread used, or whether or not you really should stir the sauce for at least twenty minutes (not happening in my house), or the details of how runny the yolk in the egg is supposed to be. But there’s no getting around the fact that it’s just an egg sandwich with ham and cheese and sauce.

Or a ham and cheese sandwich with egg and sauce. Whatever.

Impressing each other instead of being authentic and real, or arguing over rhetoric — ain’t nobody got time for that, either.

Over the last few weeks I’ve talked with several friends about some really painful situations. These relationships have gone past the superficiality of impressing each other, forged beyond the insecurities of hairsplitting debates and comparison. But because my kids participate in the conspiracy known as Operation Create Chaos While Mom is on the Phone, most of these conversations happen online — happy profile pictures scroll upwards as we type transparency back and forth to each other, discussing hard things in life that are breaking us open. There are foreign words for this, but they’re neither fancy nor fit to print.

Life is full of beauty and grit and these are geodes, deep friendships formed by pressure and fire…rough and plain on the outside, and only beautiful when broken open.

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But you have to be brave to be vulnerable. How do we get past the surface? Where do we find the plumb line between shallow attempts to impress each other and divisive debates about our personal preferences?

Maybe here.

The Quiet Fight Between Women: an online study

The Quiet Fight Between Women is an honest, in-depth study full of wisdom and scriptural truth about authentic friendships and the fight against friendly fire. It addresses unity, community, the comparison trap and the to-judge-or-not-to-judge dilemma.

To say that judging is always wrong is incorrect theology. We need to be precise that we are not to judge the character of the heart of a person, or to condemn people, but instead to show grace, while at the same time being so familiar with scripture that when we see sin or warning of corrupt character through the fruit in someone’s life, we choose the path of righteousness, to love in grace but not be led astray.

– Angie Tolpin, The Quiet Fight Between Women

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You know what I love about how it’s set up? Short sections. I do have time for those. I’ve been going through the study at my leisure with my headphones on during the afternoon (because my kids also participate in the conspiracy known as Everyone Rush to Mom’s Computer Whenever Speech Comes Out of It) or in the evenings after they’re in bed. The videos are less than five minutes each, and the reading portions are about the same length as a blog post. There is prayer. There’s a private facebook group. There are downloadable options for journaling. There’s a giveaway.

Also, I haven’t noticed any tricky French words so far.

In full disclosure, if you purchase the study through any links from my site, I get a commission. And in further disclosure, I’ll probably either put it toward surgery expenses or an irresponsible latte purchase at Kaladis.

One more thing…if you are the kind of person who repeatedly pauses the video to check out the books on Angie’s shelves, you are my people. xoxo

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Related:

on the same side: fighting friendly fire with grace

a force to be reckoned with: the power of a united front

grace note: pursuing harmony without preaching to the choir

ten ways we push our mom friends away (from The Masterpiece Mom)

unearthed: what is created under pressure

This is an excerpt from Steadfast, book 4 in Work That God Sees. Enjoy!

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The highway is framed and divided by road construction, the right lane penned off with traffic cones. The dump truck in front of us, in lieu of actually slowing down and using his blinker, does a wild maneuver with agility usually unseen in construction equipment and whips into that right lane, just barely brushing one of the cones — it wavers, but doesn’t topple over. Pretty impressive, Alaska.

I’m not saying it was safe or responsible. It was reckless and probably the impulse of a moment, not a practiced move. And it’s easy to take risks on impulse.

unearthed: what is created under pressure

Risks that ride sidecar to obedience are harder: Confronting a loved one. Loving a hardened one. Taking on a new ministry. Opening our homes. Being transparent and vulnerable. Choosing life in all of its pain and uncertainty. Choosing faithfulness in spite of failure. Choosing to do the right thing when the wrong thing seems so much more appealing.

These are calculated risks. They are the ones that really make our hearts palpitate, hefting the weight of bravery or cowardice.

He tells us to do something bold and sometimes we stall, spinning our wheels and skidding in fear. Dirt flies everywhere and we lose traction. We’ve been burned before, maybe, and aren’t sure we can take it again. So we tend to shrink back, flinching into isolation, fear, or depression. Our footprint constricts and we lose ground, eroding a tiny hole for ourselves in our comfort zone where things are safe, familiar, quiet.

It was foolish indeed – thus to run from farther and farther from all who could help her, as if she had been seeking a  fit spot for the goblin creature to eat her in his leisure; but that is the way fear serves us: it always sides with the thing we are afraid of.

– George MacDonald, The Princess and the Goblin

That is the way fear serves us: it always sides with the thing we are afraid of.

We burn that hole right into our comfort zone, and it gets deeper as the walls go higher. If we’re not paying attention, we find that the safety net we’ve made for ourselves isn’t a sanctuary at all — it’s a pit. A dry well with no water, no oxygen, walled high all around from the limits we’ve put on ourselves.

Pa and Ma were both turning the windlass. The rope slowly wound itself up, and the bucket came up out of the well, and tied to the bucket and the rope was Mr. Scott. His arms and legs and his head hung and wobbled, his mouth was partly open and his eyes half shut…

Mr. Scott had breathed a kind of gas that stays deep in the ground. It stays at the bottom of wells because it is heavier than the air. It cannot be seen or smelled, but no one can breathe it very long and live.

– Laura Ingalls Wilder, Little House on the Prairie

It takes that holy stubbornness to kick our toes into the hard-packed earth and dig a stairway out of it. We are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who have faith and preserve their souls…

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Steadfast. It’s a quiet word we might not pay attention to, like the kid in the back of the classroom who works two extra jobs after school to help his family and still manages to graduate with honors, while his classmates make their own assumptions and garner C-averages. It’s not showy, not impulsive, and rarely wavers.

Steadfastness is the alloy of humility and dogged perseverance, the power of a strong will channeled for holy purpose in the face of fear. It is where bullheadedness meets obedience, the faith in action that happens both behind the scenes and in front of others.

I’m not saying it’s safe or responsible. But it is always created under pressure.

Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.

– 1 Corinthians 15:58

We try a new foothold – a friendship, a book, a course, a conversation, an event, whatever He says – lest we hem ourselves in too deep without oxygen and fresh water. A step gained, a little more light, a bold move, and new thoughts stir up ideas and victory that otherwise would’ve stayed underground.

What could God do with a family, or a church, or a city, who knew no fear? What if we didn’t shrink back from getting our hands dirty, clawing our way out of the comfort zone?

We’d be the ones who changed history. Any coward can stay in the comfort zone, but those who obey in the big and little things, who do the brave thing in spite of fear, are those who determine the headlines of the future.

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Short books with powerful encouragement for the mom who ain’t got time for all that other nonsense — the Work That God Sees series is available here. 

slow going: a case for resisting the rush to do it all

This is weeks in the making. Like almost everything else lately, blog posts are slow going — two paragraphs at a time, about four nights a week – and from my station on the couch I can see dishes overcrowding the kitchen counter that I haven’t taken care of yet. There’s some folded laundry on the back of the other couch that still needs to be taken upstairs. A zillion other little things probably need to be done but I refuse to think too hard about them — we’ve reached the stage of Take It Easy And Don’t Get Too Ambitious, For Crying Out Loud.

Or if you prefer, the British version:

KEEP CALM

IT’S THE THIRD TRIMESTER

There’s this silly little fantasy I’ve had forever. Chalk it up to reading too many L.M. Montgomery books in adolescence, but I’ve always longed to have our beds covered in handmade quilts and afghans. Not store-bought, not mass-produced, not matchy-matchy trendy designs that will be out-of-date in less than five years (hello, chevron). Just handmade, homemade, cozy goodness.

It has yet to happen. The only beds in our family that have ever been covered in hand-stitched virtue are cribs and toddler beds, and since most of us don’t fit in those anymore, there’s still a lot of stitching to do. I’ve had three blankets in progress for about six years. I might just make it before our oldest graduates and moves out…but won’t hold my breath.

slow going: a case for resisting the rush to do it all

He’s starting high school. I have no idea how that happened.

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We school year-round and our summer term just started: Twain, Tozer, Tennyson. Kim by Kipling. Life of Fred and lots of writing. Beatrix Potter and Mother Goose; language arts and language therapy. Nature study and sewing and robotics, oh my. This is all happening.

But it’s not happening at a frenetic, must-get-it-all-done, no-time-to-smell-the-roses pace. It’s gradual, not graded; slow, not sloppy. It is often outside, or under the blanket fort, or all over the kitchen table, or in the garden, as we go.

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It’s no rush. One of the beauties of the year-round routine is that learning is a lifestyle, opposed to the whiplash of longer days packed with schoolwork for months at a time interspersed with weeks of (relatively) empty leisure that several of our kids (and honestly, myself) just have a really hard time with. We need the consistency of shorter school days with more free time. I don’t think we do more or less than other homeschoolers who have a more traditional schedule; we just spread it out a little more evenly – like jam on toast, versus jam on a waffle.

(oh…waffles…)

But either way the schedule runs, this lifetime of learning never feels done, and we’re tempted to feel constantly behind because there are always more subjects, more books, more things to try, than there is time for. Like making a postage stamp quilt by hand for a king-sized bed, it’s practically never ending and meant to be that way. If we were looking for a quick fix we’d be less interested in the process and more interested in just slapping two sheets together and buzzing them together by machine, all matchy-matchy…which is strangely similar to what happens in many places where bureaucracy trumps the joy of learning.

slow going collage

Learning kindles more learning, like rows of stitches built on the rows before – one day at a time, one page at a time, one stitch at a time.

A child . . . must have a living relationship with the present, its historic movement, its science, literature, art, social needs and aspirations. In fact, he must have a wide outlook, intimate relations all round; and force, virtue, must pass out of him, whether of hand, will, or sympathy, wherever he touches. This is no impossible programme.

– Charlotte Mason, School Education, p. 161-2

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It doesn’t look the same for each kid. One of our daughters goes outside with the Alaska Wild Plants book to identify young growing things in her journal, but we have other kiddos who just want to play in the dirt and climb trees – no inspirational sketchbooks, no field guilds, and may the good Lord help you if you even think of mentioning the phrase “nature study” – but if given enough room, these same kids will surprise us with an accurate and detailed hand-drawn map of our yard and house.

I can’t take credit for those things. I’ve tried to assign projects like them before, and from the wailing and gnashing of teeth that ensued, you’d think I’d told the kids we were all going to have our molars extracted without anesthesia.

In the spirit of choosing our battles, I’ve learned (slowly) that they need room to come up with most of these projects and ideas on their own. The very same kid who made this such a painfully clear lesson recently spelled out all the differences between Mayans, Aztecs, and Incas — who have blurred fuzzily for me since elementary school — and I asked him how he knew so much. He said he read about them from a book that’s been on his brother’s bed – not an assigned book, not for school, just for perusing. No assignments, no narration, no pressure. No wailing and gnashing of teeth.

He’s the one entering high school with a year of early algebra credit already under his belt. And I am so proud of him, but we’re not learning for credits or bragging rights or degrees.

We’re learning because He made us to grow and seek Him out. We find Him in science, in literature, in relationships, in the slow and steady pursuit of stitching life together. It is the glory of God to conceal a matter; to search out a matter is the glory of kings. 

And it takes lots of timeThe dishes can wait.

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