Category Archives: marriage

wholeness matters: how the Church shows the world what it’s made of

Posted on by July 15, 2024

Sips of water. Piles of tissues. No energy to move. Fever, accompanied by chills, aches, and sniffles.

I retreated (slowly) back to bed with a couple of books. The bummer about being sick and spending all day in bed with books is that usually you’re not coherent enough to pay attention or understand what you are reading in the books. So after finishing a chapter for our Gaining Ground group – which is not a hard read to start with – I grabbed a book of fluffy fiction off the shelf that had been recommended by someone online.

wholeness matters: how the Church shows the world what it's made of

It looked interesting: Apocalyptic drama from an unabashedly conservative perspective. Curious. Okay, let’s see what you got.

Now, I know going into these things that this is not a Christian book, so I am not expecting Christian content. But I do expect decent writing, plus a good story that neither insults my intelligence nor demands too much of it when most of my caloric intake for 24 hours has come from vitamin C and ibuprofen.

And for the first, oh, fifty pages or so, it was fine. I couldn’t tell you for sure though, because the book is in the trash over there and it’s not worth getting up to tell you specifically where my level of disgust caused me to throw it in that direction.

I’m not sorry, either. Books are generally sacred in this house, but not that kind. Not the kind that parade as promoting conservative values while the reluctant hero uses women like toilet paper in a pathetic display of a dirty old man’s royalty-driven fantasy.

Here’s the thing: What good is it to promote “conservative values” if they are so riddled with contradictions that you have to put the phrase in quotation marks when referring to them?

What good does it do to push any of those values if the other stuff you’re promoting rips the rug right out from under that foundation?

What good does it do to promote, say, the second amendment, if you are simultaneously muddying the waters by promoting a culture that leads to rampant abortion, pornography, infidelity, and other abuses toward women and the institution of family?

Pardon me while I climb a little higher on my soapbox – I am, you know, fairly petite, and also increasingly unfiltered from all the sinus pressure – and mention just a couple of recent incidents that illustrate this compromise.

The first was a few weeks ago when, in a private group chat, a proclaimed Christian social media influencer started berating and insulting someone else in the chat, and when I
came to her defense, he immediately told me to “F— off.”

This guy is actually doing a great work for the conservative cause in a certain area, yet he completely destroyed his reputation and witness among those of us who saw his true colors. He chose excuses over apology that day, and continues to post prayers every Sunday for his 40,000 followers. (I assume his wife, children, employees, and mental state all need serious prayer, too.)

Then last week, an ignorant man trolled my devotional video and left a long stream of abusive comments and accusations because I am (gasp) a woman who has a platform about Christian living. Don’t you know that women aren’t supposed to talk about Jesus? Don’t you know that if they do publicly say anything about Jesus, it’s considered teaching and you should immediately 1 Timothy 2:12 them outta the Kingdom?

I didn’t. I have, however, actually studied the Bible for over twenty years, and know that a couple verses taken out of context without cultural application do not a mandate make. Especially when multiple passages in context show otherwise.

These men who profess a passionate desire for truth but only display it in fragments are as ineffective as a kid charging onto the battlefield with a BB gun, shooting at those who are doing the real fighting on their behalf. My guess is these guys have related issues (with women and otherwise) under the surface that are also compromising their witness.

It’s important to note that misogynistic drivel like this has played a huge part in driving the overcorrections of radical feminism and loss of gender roles. Dishonor of women from insecure, lecherous men is met with a backlash of dishonor from insecure, grasping women, with children taking the bulk of the crossfire – and misogyny ends up feeding the root of the abortion movement. Fragmented people find themselves culpable for the some of the very acts they condemn and claim to fight against. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

Bullies, oppressors and all men who do
violence to the rights of others are guilty not only of their own
crimes, but also of the corruption they bring into the hearts of
their victims.

– Alessandro Manzoni, The Betrothed

Wholeness matters, and if we are walking wounded and broken, our testimony and legacy will be wounded and broken as well.

Last week our pastor said, “The Lord moves in a unified church. The world is questioning who we are, and what the Church is. What are we showing them?”

The Church is obviously not the same thing as the conservative movement, though there is clear overlap. But if those who claim to be part of the Church can get their collective act together where wholeness is concerned, we’ll see a lot more movement in those conservative values we claim to care so much about.

Wholeness runs deep and wide, and not one of us is the same as anyone else — some of us are deeper in some aspects but just barely getting our toes wet (or still standing on the shoreline) in others. Our depths are in different areas, and we stretch wide and shallow in different areas, too.

Some of us are great at forgiveness or purity, and others are deep into kindness, mercy, or truth. Some of us regularly practice watching our words or taking the log out of our own eyes. Some of us are growing in repentance, and pushing hard to go deep in self control.

We’re meant to grow in all directions, of course — it’s called wholeness, not partness. Not one of us is off the hook in any area.

God is constantly leading each of us deeper and wider in different areas because He knows the waters we’re afraid of and avoiding, and He wants our character to represent Him in fullness.

We avoid certain areas, though. We think there are sharks in those places and we have too many good excuses for not going there. The battle is too hard. The Greek is too unfamiliar. The sins are too comfortable. Egos are too fragile.

But God is calling us to claim that territory, because the more wholeness we walk in, the less territory the sharks have to move in.

The church leads the culture, not the other way around. So, how are we leading? Where are we following or imitating, instead of igniting and inspiring?

The more kindness we show, the less need for forgiveness there is.

The more self control we use, the less regret we have later.

The more Greek we learn, the less stupid we sound when trumpeting out of context verses we haven’t actually studied.

The more purity we display, the more protected our marriages are.

The more protected our marriages are, the more protected our children are.

The more humble we are, the less we will fall.

So we press into those dark areas with intention to conquer. Because we were once sharks, too.

We can’t expect to win battles when we spend so much time alternating between committing friendly fire and shooting ourselves in the foot. With those kinds of leaders we are worse off than before: One or two pet causes upheld, while the foundations of society that those causes claim to benefit lie in ruins.

Some of the sharks really are well meaning, though. They truly think that they are doing Kingdom work in their bloodletting.

“Beware of false prophets, who come to
you in sheep’s clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves. You will
recognize them by their fruits. Are grapes gathered from thornbushes,
or figs from thistles? So, every healthy tree bears good fruit, but
the diseased tree bears bad fruit. A healthy tree cannot bear bad
fruit, nor can a diseased tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does
not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus you
will recognize them by their fruits.

“Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord,
Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the
will of my Father who is in heaven. On that day many will say to me,
‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons
in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’ And then will
I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers
of lawlessness.’

– Matthew 7:15-23

Jesus knows how to sort us out. He knows when things are not as they seem. He knows who is fake and who is real.

And He knew what it would take to bring redemption and wholeness. He decided we were worth it.

Won’t it be amazing when those who are true are revealed to each other? When the men who put women down for daring to speak will understand for the first time how their misguided efforts actually diminished the very thing they claimed to be fighting for? We will meet each other unhindered by pride, unshackled from insecurity, eyes fully open. In wholeness.

We will be repentant without shame, forgiving and forgiven.

The waters will be clear, shark-less, farther than our eyes can see.

turning it up: support for adoptive families comes to audio

Posted on by April 11, 2023

Here’s a confession that those of you who are regular readers here already know: I go in phases of sharing about adoption and special needs. Sometimes I forge ahead in it and share several posts here or on social media, and other times I pull back to recuperate.

It’s hard to share. It’s super personal. The issues are painful. But those issues need to be seen.

Not everyone will stop to notice. Most will probably keep scrolling — no shame, we all need a little mindless scrolling sometimes — and some will click “like” on the posts without even reading them because they’re too long.

I get that. I skim or skip posts sometimes for the same reason.

But we miss things when we’re always too busy to stop and notice them.

And adoptive, foster, and special needs families are collapsing from people being too busy to notice them.

These families are in our churches and neighborhoods — until they’re not. Until they give up on church or they give up on marriage. Until it all becomes too much because people are so busy scrolling past, giving a thumbs up to the concept of adoption but having no clue about what’s really going on in these families.

How do we move upstream to prevent divorce, depression, abuse, and suicide? How do we draw people into the church and community instead of driving them away from it?

By seeing people. But we have to look past the surface and stop scrolling for a few minutes to do it.

So I’ve collected my adoption posts in one place here. They are full of the stuff under the surface, behind the curtain, while we try to walk the line of privacy and transparency. They are by no means the full story, but they are enough to give the respectful, caring observer plenty to think about…and to send a message to other adoptive, foster, and special needs families. Here’s that message:

YOU ARE NOT ALONE. And you’re not going crazy. You are seen and loved and understood. 🖤

I know some of you are done with church. Some of you are done with marriage. Some of you, for the sake of younger children and your entire family, have been done with adoption and had to disrupt.

(If you’re not one of those families, that means they had to give up their adopted child to be adopted by another family — and face all the judgment, condemnation, and assumptions from a society that doesn’t know what goes on behind the scenes and is also unwittingly ignorant of the role they may be playing in the disaster and heartache these families endure.)

None of this should ever happen. Adoptive families should never feel alone and be left by the communities around them to quietly implode behind closed doors.

We can intentionally be part of the solution. 

And we need to be, because there are plenty of people who seem intent on being part of the problem, too busy reveling in their know-it-allness that they cannot fathom there might still be something to learn about this — like the Goodreads reviewer who gave Upside Down a mere 2 stars because I am “only an adoptive mom” and not a trained, lettered professional who actually (smirk) knows anything about attachment issues, mental health, or adoption.

That’s right; instead of studying for years behind a desk, I have only lived this out in my own home, 24 hours a day, for more than twice the amount of years it takes to get a bachelors degree. Clearly I have no expertise on the subjects of adoptive family support or adoptive parenting worth sharing.* #blessherheart

When I originally wrote Upside Down as a series of posts, I got emails, messages, and phone calls every day from adoptive, foster, and even biological parents who were going through the same stuff — but they thought they were alone. These were their most common responses:

“I thought we were the only ones who went through this.”
“I don’t know who to talk to.”
“I didn’t know how to explain this.”
“I thought we were alone.”
”I wish everyone we knew would read this.”

But you know what the most common response is from non-adoptive/foster families? It’s this:

“Whoa. I had no idea.”

No wonder these families feel alone.

It’s past time to change that.

And now there’s no excuse not to, because Upside Down is now available in audio (as you read that, you should hear it in a victorious sing-song voice, like TA-DAHHH!) and the first three segments are totally free and full of the inside scoop people needed yesterday, before they did that thing that triggered the adoptive kiddo to regress. So grab them here and share them with your friends, teachers, pastors, nosy neighbors, favorite aunt who stillll doesn’t get it, and anyone else who needs to know how they can truly support adoptive and foster families without unintentionally causing further harm.

Because we’re gonna change this thing. The world will see that what adoptive and foster families are doing is vital, but the work cannot be done without understanding and support. And we shouldn’t have to anymore.

*In case you’re wondering, I have similar inept, unprofessional, raw, untrained experience in pursuing God while being a mom of many, dealing with special needs and fighting depression and encountering other messy life circumstances in motherhood — so you should *definitely* stay away from Oh My Soul and ABIDE and Work That God Sees too, since I don’t have the right letters after my name and therefore have nothing worthwhile to share in those, either. Seriously, those books are only for the rest of us. xo

not dead, just sleeping: when you need a resurrection

Posted on by April 21, 2022

In the last few weeks of brooding almost 40 birds in our bathroom, I’ve learned a few things about chicks and quail:

They will poop on new bedding before you even finish laying it down.

They will poop in their new dish of food before you leave the room.

They will poop in their water before you turn your back.

Aaaaand quail look dead when they’re sleeping.

not dead, just sleeping: when you need a resurrection

That last point, at least, I knew ahead of time, and it’s a good thing I did. During the first week there was often a moment of panic as we looked in the brooder to see them passed out, collapsed on their sides, legs out. But that’s just how they sleep.

They’re great, though: snuggly, nosy, clumsy, and messy. The water dish was their favorite hangout when they were small enough to walk in it – sometimes for drinking, but mostly for wading and splashing, and then tracking little wet toe prints everywhere. They thought they were ducks, though I told them otherwise.

We lost one within hours of bringing them home (truly dead quail differ from sleeping quail in that they’re cold, stiff, and not breathing) but the other 19 are happy and healthy in spite of our complete lack of experience. A week after we got the quail, our chicks arrived, and even the sick one we thought we’d lose managed to pull through. We call her Toughie.

And, can I interrupt this bird trivia to just point out how amazing that is? Isn’t it incredible that we can just take something on that we’ve never done before, and still muddle through with success?

I mean, it hasn’t been super easy. We’ve spent months researching, learning, gathering supplies, and building shelters for them. But as with most things, deciding to do the work is almost harder than actually doing the work.

During the first week, I often woke up at 3 am, anxious about how they were doing. I ran downstairs, opened the door, and heard their soft, happy twittering; they were fine, all nineteen, scattered and sleeping and eating and climbing all over each other. They thought they were puppies, even though I reminded them they are quail.

But there was that one time they weren’t all fine…when we went from twenty to nineteen because one of them was cold and stiff under the heat lamp. So for a split second when I opened the door and saw them asleep, looking dead, I would get a little nervous. We remember those times when things weren’t fine, and try to guard ourselves against the uglier parts of normal.

Because it’s not just quail that look dead when they’re sleeping: See also deciduous trees, rose bushes, and hobbies that get shoved to the back of the closet. But bigger things, too – like creativity, achievement, solutions, dreams, and goals. Certain relationships. Breakthrough.

Each time one of those falls asleep, we wonder if it’s actually dead. Should we give up on it? Because we’ve seen death, and it leaves a little scar of trust issues and anxiety to work through every time we encounter anything that resembles it. Is this worth resuscitating? Do we nurse it back to health? Do we keep feeding and watering it in faith, or do we pull the plug and move on to the other 19 needs vying for our attention?

Some things just need time and surrender, but others need persistent attention.

For example, my houseplant that we affectionately call Anne Shirley. As soon as she (or it, I don’t care – don’t come to me with pronoun nonsense) feels the slightest bit parched or neglected, she wilts in the depths of despair.

The first time it happened, I thought I killed her for sure. Woomp – all leaves down, this one’s a goner.

But I felt the stems, and they seemed okay. So I gave her some water, and lo and behold – the next day, Anne Shirley was as perky as ever. Such a drama queen.

(My glorious fern, on the other hand, is a different story. We’ve started calling her Eleanor – as in, Dashwood – because if she’s neglected she will just slowly turn paler and paler, suffering in silence.)

So some things must be watered, and others must be waited for.

And many require both. We water in the waiting, not knowing how long it will take to see life again. These are the situations the Lord must move in, because you cannot force growth – overwatering results in death as much as neglect does – and He must perform the rescue because we’ve tried everything and still it is stiff and cold, not breathing: A loved one’s salvation, a child’s return, a favorable ruling. After we’ve done everything we know to do, we’re desperate for what only He can do.

But this is what He does. When life is in the red, He intervenes out of the blue in ways we never could have imagined.

And he said to them, “Why are you troubled, and why do doubts arise in your hearts? See my hands and my feet, that it is I myself. Touch me, and see. For a spirit does not have flesh and bones as you see that I have.” And when he had said this, he showed them his hands and his feet. And while they still disbelieved for joy and were marveling, he said to them, “Have you anything here to eat?”

– Luke 24:38-41, ESV

This life of watering and waiting is where faith and obedience intersect. It is the lesson of walking steadily on without constantly checking progress, checking email, checking notifications, checking the mailbox. Faith and obedience knows the answer is coming, and does not have to constantly ask “Are we there yet?” like a kid on a road trip.

You’ve done and are doing what you need to do. So give them time, they’ll perk up soon. Those situations might think they’re dead —- you need to remind them they are alive.

The trees outside know; the pussywillows are growing again. The time for things to wake up is here.

_______

Related: What if you see the rescue coming, and it scares you? The newsletter comes out next week and this is what we’re talking about. Sign up here if you need it.