I was up early with a toddler who needed to go back to sleep. And I was soooo tired.
It had been over an hour already — he woke me up at 4:30 — and I knew I’d get back to bed soon, but apparently not quite yet because he was still rolling all over the place and making new, weird boy noises with his mouth while listlessly kicking the wall, petting the cat, and hitting his mattress. Sigh.
Why do we fight rest? We start early, like this. But some of us keep doing it far into adulthood. Maybe all our lives. It’s something I have always struggled with.
Maybe, partly, it’s because we’re made to do stuff. We are made in the image of the Creator, so we’re made to create. We have ideas and energy, and we doers and dreamers need to move on them before they wither or dissipate.
But the Creator rested, too — and I’m pretty sure He didn’t have to, so I wonder if He did it just to be an example to us. Have you ever tried to get a toddler to go to sleep by shutting your eyes and setting the example, pretending to sleep? We need to see what our Father is doing, and be in the habit of doing it, too.
Jesus, help us to rest well. Help us to steward our days and do what we can, and trust You with the rest, so we can rest.
The Lord knows the things you dream about, but He still wants you to tell Him about them.
He also knows the longings you have that you don’t have words for yet, or that you don’t yet realize you’re carrying.
Have you noticed His grace lately, or do you still feel like you need to earn things like His favor, love, provision, and protection?
Kids don’t earn those things. They’re just favored and loved and provided for and protected because that’s what parents do.
Even if your parents didn’t do that, God does. He is the best, first, and final parent. He loves you and there’s nothing you can do to make Him love you more. Or less.
He loves you because that’s who He is. So His grace and gifts are right there for the taking. Be honest with Him about the things you dream about, and what you’ve been longing for, and what you’ve always wondered about. See what He has to say about them. He likely had something to do with putting those dreams in your heart in the first place.
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places.
— Ephesians 1:3
In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth.
— Ephesians 1:7-10
Someone is hoping you’ll be brave enough to speak up about and do the thing that’s been on your heart. The conviction you’ve been feeling about it isn’t just for you; it’s also for those whose lives will be changed by it, and for those who will see your obedience and be emboldened to do hard things, too.
Moving past your fears and resistance will equip you to obey God more and more. It will make you stronger. It will expand your comfort zone, making the hard things become easier things.
But not obeying will do the reverse. There’s no neutral in this – either you grow forward, more like Him, or you shrink back, and become less than you’re meant to be.
There’s joy on the other side of obedience, and it’s bigger than the insecurities you feel or the excuses you want to make. You are bigger than that. You’re made to do the exploits the Lord is calling you to.
Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised.
For, “Yet a little while, and the coming one will come and will not delay; but my righteous one shall live by faith, and if he shrinks back, my soul has no pleasure in him.”
But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who have faith and preserve their souls.
— Hebrews 10:35-39
We can rest in the One who carries us.
We can look ahead and know that nothing threatens us.
We can look back and know we did the best we could when we were abiding. And we can repent for when we didn’t abide, and still move forward.
We can face the work in front of us and know that we can do hard things: They don’t necessarily have to be fun, but they don’t have to be as miserable as we suspect they might be, either. And we will come out stronger and smarter, regardless.
We win no matter what. We refuse to partner with dread or agree with fear. We choose to walk in peace, one powerful step at a time, and move to the other side of this assignment. We may not like it, but the Lord has plans to use us mightily if we’ll surrender to Him in the midst of it.
The Kingdom will expand. The enemy’s stronghold will contract. Light will shine into dark places, and truth and justice will pour out.
Bedtime. I rolled over and tried to pull the pillow into place, and felt something tweak in my shoulder.
“Great,” I muttered, “tomorrow people will ask why I’m gimping around and I’ll have to tell them, ‘I’m 46, and I hurt my shoulder while wrestling with my pillow.’”
“Just tell them you did it in bed,” Vin said. “Let them use their imagination.”
And that did sound like a better idea.
Sometimes though, we can’t let people use their imagination. Sometimes their imaginations are less than gracious. And sometimes they believe the thing that seems most convenient but furthest from reality. Some things have to be clarified. And often the more important those things are, the harder they are to communicate.
For example, all week long I had a difficult conversation coming up. I had prayed and asked others to pray. But still, I was dreading it; I wondered if I should just not pursue it. Maybe I could get out of it.
So like every mature Christian, I tried that tactic in prayer:
I don’t want to do this, I told the Lord. I don’t know if I can do this.
You need to, though, He said. You know how to do it.
I don’t trust myself to do it right, though.
Do you trust Me? He asked.
Yes…but I don’t trust them. I don’t know how they’ll respond.
Do you trust Me? He repeated.
Of course I do. So I gave my feelings to Him (over and over, you know how this goes sometimes) and initiated the conversation. And the Lord gave me not only the wisdom and firmness I needed, but also the calm demeanor, composure, and discernment to say everything that needed to be said as I stood my ground. I did not waver; there was nothing on my list that was left unsaid.
God showed me again that He is faithful to work through us even when we feel unable and uncertain.
And that situation has been really good to look back on because a few months ago we learned about a whole new part of the special needs adoption process that we didn’t realize we signed up for almost eleven years ago. It’s called guardianship.
Maybe some of you are familiar with this. Maybe you’ve dealt with it and it seemed like no big deal. But for our family it feels like a Really Big Deal and we didn’t see it coming, and in some ways I feel stupid because it seems like we should have known about it or at least been given a heads up somewhere in the hours upon hours we spent in trainings and adoption paperwork.
For the equally uninitiated, it’s this: With their special needs and delays, our adopted kids will not be able to take care of themselves upon turning 18, when they magically become adults in the state of Alaska. This part wasn’t a surprise; we knew when we met Reagan that we were taking on a much bigger task than we originally thought and that she would always live with us. We do expect Andrey to be able to care for himself someday, though not as soon as he hits that magic number. What we did not realize is that continuing to care for them requires the legal activation of guardianship, and it is a fairly lengthy, invasive, legal process of courts, reports, and paperwork that is akin to the adoption process itself, except that it continues for the rest of our lives until we die.
Even after going through the original process, emptying our savings, and caring for them for over ten years, we must prove ourselves all over again to the government that we are able and willing to continue doing for our children what we’ve been doing all along. We cannot leave it to their imagination; it must be communicated. Again.
And that feels wrong to me. Oh, I know the reasons for it; you don’t need to lecture me. There have been exceptional cases of terrible people who take advantage of the system and do neglectful and sometimes horrific things to children. That is part of why we chose to adopt in the first place. The bigger problem is that more often than not, the terrible people out there doing terrible things to children are part of the system and work for the government.
So to treat all parents as guilty until proven innocent – over and over again – is unjust, inefficient, and a lousy use of resources. Putting the onus on parents who have already been through the fire and devoted years of their lives to caring for these children seems to be a “look here, not there” strategy.
But what can you do? There’s no other option. As it’s been explained to me, the reason it’s necessary is because Reagan cannot care for or make choices for herself, and without guardianship, if she were injured and needed to go to the hospital after she’s 18, we would not be able to make choices for her or authorize her care, either.
And yet if that situation arose, what then? Someone (a police officer, hospital staff, or some government worker) would arbitrarily end up making those decisions on her behalf, even though they would have no history with her, know absolutely nothing about her, and, ironically, they would not have completed the process of guardianship, either. But we, her parents, are required to jump through the bureaucratic hoops in order to continue doing for her what we’ve been doing all along. See how this works?
So here we go. We cannot leave things to the government’s imagination, so we will prove ourselves again by filling out more reams of paperwork and going through more hours of trainings and meetings so the government can check off their boxes, which is more important to them than actually spending all those hours with our children or nurturing our family, which is what good parents actually do.
Yeah. I know, I’m a little bent outta shape about this.
The pressure wells and I am aware of every breath because I am inhaling deeply and deliberately, willing the oxygen to go in and the stress to go out. And then I eat a caffeinated energy bar because augmenting anxiety with the jitters seems like a capital idea.
I go downstairs to water the plants, and as I look at these tiny seedlings, I persist in telling myself the truth. The feelings want to be louder, but the truth is what needs to win the day:
The Lord knows this whole process.
He is protecting our family.
He has prepared us and is continuing to prepare us.
What surprises us does not surprise Him.
This won’t be wasted time; this will be found time.
This will be for our good, because He causes all things for our good. This will expand the Kingdom as we surrender to Him in it, and faithfully walk through it.
Nothing can threaten us.
That’s the thing that really gets me: It feels threatening and invasive. It feels like it’s sending us back to the beginning, and the beginning was so hard.
But wait, no, we’re focusing on truth and not feelings, so I keep going back to the truth. I plant those seeds deep, deep down so they will take root and grow. And it’s all well and good while I’m watering my lettuces and garlic, but as soon as I’m back upstairs on the couch researching the process, anxiety steamrolls through, scattering resolve and making me take deep, shaky breaths all over again. And I’m right back to telling Him, I don’t want to do this.
You need to, though, He tells me again. Do you trust Me?
I do trust Him. I don’t trust a lot of people, though. We’ve been burned so many times when they’ve used their imaginations, appointed themselves as authorities, or assumed something that wasn’t true. I’ve learned that outsiders can be dangerous and painful to special needs families and kids.
For years Reagan had a tiny, tiny bed. We tried giving her a twin-sized bed and she hated it; she slept on the outermost top corner of it because…well, use your imagination. She had a tiny bed at six years old when we met her, about half the size of a toddler mattress. I don’t know what her experience with bigger beds was, and she didn’t like the one we gave her. So Vin made her a small one that she did like, and it saved space in a bedroom that was shared by three girls at the time. But if you came to our house and saw her tiny, tiny bed, you would wonder. And I wouldn’t blame you for wondering. But I would blame you if you judged us for it without knowing the reason behind it.
A couple years ago we went on a short hike with someone we’d only met once before. A few days later I learned that this person had noticed Reagan walked awkwardly (because she does) and kept stepping out of her shoes (because she does). They assumed it was because her shoes didn’t fit her, so they generously offered to buy her some.
Do you see how that’s not really generous, though? They assumed we weren’t providing for her, that we hadn’t bothered to purchase shoes that fit her. They didn’t ask us, didn’t know anything about her, had never spent any time with her. They just assumed that the way she walked and acted was because of neglect and lack of finances on our part.
(Side note: Our generosity should never puff ourselves up or put someone else down. It should never be to exalt ourselves over someone else. Our generosity isn’t from us anyway, it is from God and we are merely the conduit and clerk He is going through.)
Why, when people have the opportunity to use their imagination, do they use it so badly?
But here I am, doing the same thing, because I’m imagining that the people on the other end of this guardianship process will be as ignorant and unhelpful as many that we’ve dealt with before.
You’re all safe, the Lord says. I’m right here with you. Nothing can threaten and harm you.
As a friend and pastor reminded me a few days ago as he prayed for us, the government is on His shoulders. The Lord’s not asking us to surrender anything to the government; we’re just surrendering to Him.
It’s a process that must be completed and endured. Knowing we are sheltered, safe from threat or invasion, and assigned to walk powerfully through it keeps us peaceful in the process.
So He’s teaching us to trust Him in new ways with the unexpected. We can trust Him even when we don’t trust ourselves or others. We can trust Him in our vulnerability, with surrendering to a process we would not have chosen but can expect Him to bring good out of, because He is our guardian: our keeper, protector, caregiver, champion, preserver, sentinel, and shepherd. And He’s showing us how to be more like Him.
Praying for you,
Shannon
P.S. If you need some deeper content on being burned, dealing with forgiveness and resentment, and/or you want to stop feeling threatened by those who have burned you, this is what we’re addressing in the February newsletter for premium subscribers, coming out in a few days. Upgrade for that here – there’s a free trial and also a reduced group rate. And if you need this content but it’s not in your budget right now (have you even SEEN the cost of groceries lately?!) just let me know and I’d love to comp your subscription for free, gratis.
Also! I made a little announcement recently and shared the first excerpt of my new book last week. That’s available to premium subscribers, too.
P.P.S. Links for you!
Incredible sermon from Pastor Craig Cooney: Four Words for 2023. Give yourself a minute to acclimate to is accent; the Irish do wild tings with vowels. ;)
Why is sudden cardiac arrest suddenly becoming normal, and why are those who should be talking about it refusing to do so? Great post here from Mr. Guerra.
Why do we abide and obey? Right here, in less than a minute.
The Lord knows your breakthrough is taking a long time. He is waiting, too.
He knows the enemy has tried to wheedle his way in and get you on the merry-go-round of doubt:
Is it because I still haven’t learned my lesson? Is it punishment? Is it because I don’t deserve what I’ve been hoping for? Is it because someone else needs the answer more than I do? Is it because I’m too stupid to figure out the answers?
The Lord knows the lies and accusations you’ve been wrestling with. Here’s some truth to hang onto:
He is giving you the wisdom you need as you abide.
He doesn’t love anyone else more than He loves you. He’s not playing favorites.
His provision has no limits. He doesn’t have to choose between needs to fill.
His timing is protecting you from things you don’t know about, and preparing you for more than you imagine.
If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.
— James 1:5-8
You don’t have to know what you’re doing when the Lord tells you to do it.
You don’t have to wait until you have it all figured out. In fact, a lot of people do it that way but it’s just disobedience pretending to be responsible.
Yes, do some research. Figure out your first step. But if He tells you Go, then do it asap. Your joy is at stake.
Show Him you can be trusted with the little things so He knows you are ready to steward the bigger things you’re asking for, too.
You can do the thing He’s calling you to today. The big, brave thing, and the small, annoying thing. The new unfamiliar thing. The strong, steady, obedient thing.
He’s holding favor for you as you trust Him. He moves mightily on your behalf and loves your heart that pursues Him and chooses His ways over your own preferences. He is taking that surrender and molding your desires so they align with His, making it easier and easier to hear Him and know the way to go.
My soul makes its boast in the Lord; let the humble hear and be glad.
Oh, fear the Lord, you his saints, for those who fear him have no lack!
The young lions suffer want and hunger; but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.
Come, O children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the Lord.
What man is there who desires life and loves many days, that he may see good?
Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit.
Turn away from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.
— Psalm 34:2, 9-15
There will be people out there who misunderstand you maliciously and religiously.
So caught up in their own misinterpretation, refusing to see other perspectives, eager to judge and be offended, they will miss the forest for the trees just as they have missed the point that could have broadened their own understanding.
Sometimes they cloak their condemnation with misapplied scripture to keep themselves on a high horse of self righteousness while criticizing those they know nothing about and quenching the Spirit they don’t understand.
But you will know them by their fruit, Jesus said.
So abide. Keep abiding. Keep doing what the Lord has called you to do. It is the only way we bear fruit, and our growth is helped by a good application of manure every once in a while. 😏😎
Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves. You will recognize them by their fruits. Are grapes gathered from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? So, every healthy tree bears good fruit, but the diseased tree bears bad fruit.
— Matthew 7:15-17
Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.
— John 15:4-5
The Lord is not waiting for your perfection or performance to deliver you. He did not bring breakthrough or deliverance or answers to people in the Bible because they checked off all the boxes. He doesn’t deliver because we are perfect, but because He is.
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